NOTES:

Authors: Yana and Christine
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Anything through S4 West Wing, S5 Buffy, and S4 Angel.
Disclaimers: The West Wing and its characters do not belong to us. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and their characters don't belong to us either. L. Frank Baum owns the rights to The Wizard of Oz. You'll note a smattering of other references here...if it sounds familiar, then likely we didn't come up with it ourselves. We own nothing.
Archive: Please ask.
AN: Our brains took a weird left turn after all of May 2003's season finales and we came up with this. It's not a true crossover; it's more like a Jossed version of West Wing. Extra points for spotting the Terry Pratchett reference.

"You know who's cute?"

Josh tossed the papers he'd been reading back on his desk, exasperated. "Donna, I swear I haven't seen every Republican in town, but..."

"He's not a Republican! And what do you mean *every* Republican?"

"I have one word for you -- 'Joe'. He wasn't even qualified, was he? You just found some cute Republican on the street and made me hire him," Josh teased.

Donna grinned back. "Shut up."

"And you do have a thing for Republicans."

"I admit, Joe is very handsome," she said, her gaze drifting as she pictured their new associate counsel in her head. "The open smile, the honest good looks, the sense of humor..."

"Single-handedly dealing one of the worst blows the Bartlet Administration has suffered..."

"Well, technically, Hoynes was the one who actually...Joe kind of helped us by blowing the whistle. He could have kept it to himself, and then where would we be?"

Josh snorted.

"Anyway," she said, returning to her original topic. "You know who's cute?"

"Ainsley Hayes?" Josh suggested.

"I thought we were done talking about Republicans," Donna sniffed. She started organizing the files on his desk, deftly moving around Josh as he leaned back comfortably in his chair.

His eyes followed her as she leaned over him to grab some papers, and he tried to catch a whiff of her perfume. "Doesn't matter that she's a Republican. She's a *very* attractive woman."

"If you like that type of thing, I suppose."

"She's smart, willing to argue when she doesn't agree with you..."

"You find that appealing?" Donna asked disbelievingly.

"...and let's not forget the physical: the flawless skin, the blue eyes, all that long, blonde hair..."

"She's completely out of your league," said Donna sharply.

"...a bit short, maybe, but when she wears heels...wait. League?" he sputtered. "I am one of the most powerful men in the country. NO ONE is out of my league!"

"Will," she declared, ignoring his outburst. "Will is very cute, in a brainy, geeky way. And you *are* in a league."

"Will?" Josh temporarily forgot about his league. "Nope. Don't see it. You don't really think he's cute." He paused. "Do you?"

"I do! He's very intelligent...That's sexy. He went to Eton, you know."

"Eton is a school for little boys. Where did he end up? Harvard? Yale? I don't think so."

"Well, he said something about Cambridge," Donna said primly, "and he *ended up* a First Lieutenant in the Air Force."

"Oh, God, not the man-in-uniform thing again..."

"I wonder if his dress uniform has a saber," she mused. "And you know what else? He has connections all over Europe. Since Lord John isn't around anymore..."

"I'm sure he's around somewhere," Josh interjected hastily, fearing that the mere mention of the man would somehow conjure him to the White House.

Donna ignored him. "I need to know who's who in the European aristocracy! You never know when a cute, single noble..."

"Might show up in the bullpen and sweep you off your feet?" Josh finished sarcastically.

Donna eyed him for a moment, then continued. "Plus, he's got warm brown eyes, silky brown hair..."

"I have silky brown hair," Josh muttered under his breath. "Kinda..."

"...and those laugh lines...are those dimples?"

His fists crashed down on the desk. "HE DOES NOT HAVE DIMPLES!"

Donna regarded him calmly for a few seconds, considering. "Maybe not," she said. "Anyway, about your league..."

He stood suddenly and faced her. "No one is out of my league, Donna. I define the league. I make the league. I AM the le..."

Will slammed open the door to the office, and Josh broke off, his eyes widening.

He was surprised to see the recent topic of their conversation in the flesh and wondered wildly for a moment whether Donna had the power to summon males simply by thinking they were cute. If that was the case, he should be glad more men didn't turn up in his office.

Then he took a good look at Will and realized that the speechwriter seemed to be in distress. No, Will wouldn't be a good match for her, he decided. He was too excitable.

Breathing heavily, Will surveyed Josh and Donna standing so close together that their arms brushed. "Help!" he panted. "I need backup! My writing team has been taken!"

Donna looked at him sympathetically. "Did they all quit on you again?"

Will leaned against the door jam as he tried to regain his breath. "No! And not... again... that was a one time thing," he said, a little reproachfully.

"I didn't know you guys had rehired," said Josh with a frown of his own.

"We didn't. We..."

"No," said Josh, disbelievingly, looking to Donna for confirmation.

"Yes," she corrected him, smirking.

"You don't mean that gaggle of little girls who haven't even graduated college y...OW!"

Donna smiled at him with false sweetness. "Sorry, my fist slipped."

Josh rubbed his arm, opened his mouth to make another smart-ass comment, then promptly shut it again. Donna took a step away from him so that their arms weren't touching anymore.

Will's gaze bounced back and forth between them, and he spared a moment to wonder, not for the first time since he'd started working in the West Wing, whether he'd interrupted anything.

He cleared his throat and the two of them turned their attention to him once again.

"I'm sorry," Donna said politely. "You said they were...taken?"

"Yes!" He paused to take a deep breath, wondering how best to explain what he had just witnessed.

"These… flying monkeys … just swooped down -"

"Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore," Josh muttered under his breath. Donna elbowed him, smothering a snicker of her own.

Will didn't notice. "Yes! They looked just like those… things...from The Wizard of Oz."

"Those weren't that scary," Josh scoffed. Donna hushed him with a light smack on the arm.

"That's exactly what I thought," snapped Will. "Until they swooped down the chimney and stole my interns!"

"Uh, have you been drinking there, buddy?" Josh asked carefully.

"No!" he shouted, trying to tamp down the delayed hysteria that was welling up inside him. "I've never seen anything like it before in my life!"

"Maybe you better start at the beginning," said Donna gently, moving around the desk and guiding him to sit in the visitor's chair. She shot an enquiring glance at Josh, who shrugged his shoulders. "Where were you?"

Will took a deep breath. "We were in the Mural Room. I had them doing another character-building exercise."

"You hear that?" Josh interrupted, turning to Donna. She glared at him and he hurriedly refocused on Will.

Will watched their silent exchange and wondered whether he'd made the right choice in coming to them for assistance. Sure, they'd be more willing to help than Toby, but you always had to put up with their special way of communicating.

"Go on," said Josh, noticing the suddenly hesitant look on the Deputy Communications Director's face.

"We want to help, really." He glanced over at Donna, who nodded, all professionalism, and gave Will a reassuring smile.

"Really," she echoed.

He paused for another brief moment, marveling at how quickly they slipped back into sync with each other. For those few seconds, they presented a united front, a wall of professional sympathy directed solely on him and his problem. It gave him the confidence to continue with his bizarre story.

"We heard some rustling in the fireplace-"

"Are you sure? That flue's been welded shut for years," Josh supplied.

"Really?"

"Trust me," said Josh firmly.

Donna snickered.

"Well, it's not anymore. We heard a noise, and some clanging, and then a crash, and then..." Will winced, hardly able to believe he was about to say the words again.

"Flying monkeys?" asked Donna. Will got the idea that she didn't entirely believe him.

"Well, maybe not monkeys exactly, but… well, yes. More than half a dozen of them, all screeching and flailing their limbs. They made straight for the girls."

"My God!" Josh and Donna both cried. They darted quick looks at each other before turning back to him.

"Couldn't you chase them off or something?" Josh asked, suspending his disbelief momentarily.

"I tried! I grabbed hold of a candlestick, but the girls were pretty freaked...Laurens Two and Three were doing okay, beating them off with their shirts..."

"They weren't wearing their shirts?" said Donna. "What kind of character-building..."

"Hey! Maybe we-"

"Josh!"

"Sorry."

Will ignored them. "But then the...I dunno...flying monkey leader guy showed up, and there wasn't anything we could do. We were completely surrounded...two or three monkeys grabbed each intern...picked them up and flew them straight out the door, down the hall, to the Dolley Madison Staircase."

"Dolley Madison staircase?"

"CJ assured me…" He trailed off. "More hazing?"

"More hazing," they confirmed in unison.

Josh glanced over at Donna and cleared his throat. "If this story is true -" he ignored Will's indignant expression "- we're gonna need help. Let's go see Leo."

"Right." Donna nodded.

"We'll get your girls-ow!-interns back," Josh reassured Will as he rubbed his arm again.

Will led the way down the hall, his quick strides turning into a jog and finally a full run as he thought of his interns in trouble. Josh and Donna followed behind a bit more sedately. He could hear Josh trying to apologize.

"What I said, before… about graduating from college...uh, I didn't mean..."

"Shut up, Josh."

*****

"Leo, when you have a moment, I need to talk to you about Joe Quincy."

Leo peered up at Margaret, who was standing before his desk. "The new associate counsel?"

"Yes."

"Margaret, I really don't have time to listen to you rave about his sculpted cheekbones," he grumbled.

"Really? You think they're sculpted? The girls in the Political Affairs office say he's a biscuit." She shook her head dismissively. "No, I wanted to talk to you about his habit of only coming out of the Steam Pipe Distribution Venue during the evening. There's something unnatural about him."

"What exactly are you suggesting?"

"I think he may be a vampire."

He stared at her in disbelief. "Out."

"But, Leo..."

"OUT!"

She scampered back to her desk. He wouldn't listen to her now, but when staff started showing up with bite marks on their necks, he might. She could wait.

She was mulling over the best way to bring up the subject of placing religious artifacts around the White House (because it wouldn’t hurt to be prepared, she reasoned), when Will came rushing in, Josh and Donna following on his heels.

"We need to see Leo," Will said urgently.

"He's not in a very good mood this afternoon," Margaret confided. "I don't suppose this is about vampires in the basement, is it?"

"Vampires?" Will looked at her quizzically. "What exactly do you know about-"

Donna cut him off. "Margaret, we need to see Leo. Will's interns are missing."

"Hey! They're not *my* interns. They’re *White House* interns," he protested.

"Whatever. Margaret, we really need to see him," Josh said.

"Go on in. He's free."

"Thanks!" Josh tossed over his shoulder as he, Donna and Will entered the inner office. Margaret followed them, curious about all the commotion.

"Yes?" Leo looked up from his work at the newest set of arrivals.

"Leo, we have a situation," Josh began.

"With?"

"Will claims-"

"The interns," Will blurted out. "They're missing."

"Listen, Will, I told Toby, you two have got to work this out on your own. I can’t get involved in every little hiring issue," Leo told him, not unkindly.

"Yes, but this isn’t what you think…"

"Will claims they were abducted by flying monkeys," Josh interrupted bluntly.

"I don't THINK. I KNOW." Will was indignant. "I watched them get carried off."

Leo looked at them both, puzzled. "Flying monkeys? Like in the movie?"

"Exactly!"

Shooting a quick glance at Josh and Donna, Leo asked, "Has he been..."

"No!" shouted Will.

Donna came right up to him, bringing her face to within an inch of his. She sniffed at his breath. "No," she confirmed.

Will waved her away.

"Drugs?"

"Nothing that turned up in his vetting," Josh answered.

"I'm standing right here! Of course I haven't been drinking or using. My interns *were* carried away." He turned a pleading look towards Leo. "I wasn't hallucinating!"

Leo frowned. "Maybe you better start at the beginning."

"I was in the Mural Room..." Will began recounting his story again.

While he spoke, Donna sidled back to stand next to Josh. "He smells really good, too," she whispered, picking up the thread of the conversation they'd been having in his office earlier.

Josh scowled. "As good as I do?"

She stepped back and looked him up and down. "I don't know, I've never smelled you," she whispered haughtily. "Of course, the opinion of one little girl with no college..."

"I didn't mean..."

"Shut up, Josh."

"Yes, Josh." Leo's voice cut through their hissed conversation, silencing it. "Will?"

"That's about it," Will said uncertainly. "Then I ran. I went straight to Josh's office."

Leo decided quickly. "Ok. We'll get Special Ops. This situation is right up their alley. You're all going to need to be hands-on for this, though. MARGARET!"

Margaret peeked out from behind Josh. "Yes Leo?"

He spared a moment to frown at her. "Get Ed and Larry up here. They're specially trained to deal with this sort of thing."

"We train people for this?" Josh asked, shocked that Leo was taking Will's story so seriously.

"We didn't hire Ed and Larry for their looks! Well, not *just* for their looks," Leo amended.

Margaret nodded sagely. "Good cheekbones."

Leo turned an annoyed gaze in her direction. "Just get them up here now, okay?"

"Yes, but you and I are going to talk about this later," she muttered. "Dismissing my concern about vampires and then this."

"Margaret," he growled warningly.

"Yes, sir," she grumbled, heading out to her desk to place the call.

The rest of them fell silent, hesitant to discuss the bizarre situation further until reinforcements showed up.

Finally, Josh dared to ask, "You really believe the interns were kidnapped by… flying monkeys?

"Stranger things have happened, Josh. And are bound to happen again," Leo said resignedly.

"Why?"

Leo was suddenly engrossed with the papers on his desk and pretended not to hear the question.

Josh stepped back awkwardly.

"I don't think you have clearance," Donna whispered.

He sidled closer to her, moving to put a hand on the small of her back, but she stepped away slightly. She was still mad at him for his off-the-cuff comment earlier, and he tried to apologize to her once more. "You were very mature for your age. I sensed that about you..."

She turned a poisonous look in his direction. "Shut up."

Leo glanced at Will. "What's with them?" he asked in a low voice.

"I have absolutely no idea," Will murmured back. "They were already in full banter mode when I arrived at Josh's office."

"You know, after we clear up this issue with the interns, we're gonna need…"

"I know," Will interrupted with a furtive glance in the direction of the room's other occupants. "I've already found a few of Sam's notes on that."

"Good, good."

Silence reigned in the room again until Ed and Larry arrived, each dressed completely in black and lugging a shoulder bag stuffed with a variety of weapons.

Larry dumped his bag on the floor and began to pull things out and lay them on the carpet.

"This is so cool!" Josh enthused, momentarily forgetting about his pissed-off assistant as he perused the assorted weaponry. "Where do you get all this stuff?"

"We have it custom made," Larry said briskly.

"Now," said Ed as he copied Larry's actions. "What seems to be the trouble? We have stakes and crosses...Margaret said something about vampires in the basement?"

"No vampires," growled Leo, shooting a glare at Margaret. She gave him a sheepish smile.

Josh and Will knelt beside the weapons and began picking through everything interestedly. Josh picked up a long wooden stake and began to wave it around. "Teach me, Obi Wan."

Ed looked down his nose at Josh, who set the stake back on the floor with a disgruntled expression. His attention was quickly captured by another object.

"Pins? How are these dangerous?" he asked, holding one between his thumb and forefinger. He carefully pressed the sharp point and was startled to feel it give way. "Hey, this pin is retractable!"

"That's the only kind of pin that finds witches, my friend," said Larry.

"Maybe we could try it on Mary Marsh. Or Amy," Donna commented idly as she gingerly fingered an intricately shaped dagger. She gave Ed an appraising look. "These weapons are really very impressive. I was telling Josh earlier how sexy a man in uniform is, but a man who knows his weapons… well, that sort of man is definitely worth getting to know better."

Ed preened under her appreciative gaze until he noticed Josh's glare. Hastily he cleared his throat and tried to brush off the compliment. "It's all part of a day's work."

Will hefted a crossbow. "This should do the trick," he said.

Ed frowned. "Crossbows are dangerous. Just what type of demon are we dealing with?"

Will hesitated. "Flying monkeys. Between six and ten of them. They took my interns down to the basement." Even as the words left his mouth, he could see Josh and Donna wince.

Ed and Larry didn't even blink.

"African or European?" Larry asked briskly.

"I...I don't know that," said Will weakly. "I'm not even sure they're monkeys at all."

"Crossbows it is," Ed decided. "If we get down there and discover the situation is worse than you've described, we'll call for assistance."

"You have people you can call for this?"

"Let's just say we have a few friends in federal agencies - the FBI, the CIA. We've even got Graham Miller on Zoey's detail," said Ed, choosing a rather basic-looking crossbow for Josh, then tossing a quiver of arrows to him. Josh grinned like a kid with a new toy. "You can never be too careful where the First Family's involved."

Larry looked Donna up and down, then chose a smaller crossbow for her. "You should be able to handle this. Josh'll carry your ammo, too."

She hefted it and sighted down the shaft. "Cool." Her delighted grin matched Josh's.

"Just don't point it at any humans," joked Josh.

Her grin vanished. "Even I'M smart enough to know that," she said in a voice that could cut ice.
Josh sighed. "Donna, I didn't…"

"Shut up."

Larry and Ed watched them bicker for a moment, then looked at Leo questioningly. "Oh, I have no idea what the hell is going on," Leo said dryly. "It must be Wednesday."

Will snatched up a stout crossbow for himself. "Let's go!" he said testily. "Who knows what's happening to my interns!"

"YOUR interns?" Josh broke off bickering with Donna long enough to tease him.

Will glared at him. "Come on. Bring YOUR assistant with you."

Josh frowned at him. Leaving Leo's office at a run, he narrowly avoided another punch in the arm. Will and Donna followed him, and Ed and Larry brought up the rear.

Margaret moved to join them when Leo stopped her. "Margaret, where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going to help rescue the interns," she explained as she swiveled back. He frowned and shook his head. "I'm *not* going to help rescue the interns?"

"This is the White House! We have important business we need to attend to. If all the senior staff and their assistants went running off to slay demons in the basement, who would be left running the country?"

"You would?" Margaret ventured.

"I would," he confirmed. "And I need my assistant *here*."

"Fine. You have Brennan at three-thirty. But until then, why don't we talk about Ed and Larry and their special training?" she suggested as she settled down comfortably on one of his sofas. Leo gave a tired sigh as he was left with no other option but to explain.

*****

Josh skidded to a halt outside the door leading down to the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue and waited for the others to catch up.

Larry moved to stand directly in front of the door, then looked back at Ed. "Ready?"

"Ready," said Ed. He glanced at the others. "You guys locked and loaded?"

Josh, Donna, and Will checked their crossbows. "Yes."

"Shoot at anything that flies," Larry advised. His hand grasped the doorknob and he leaned in carefully, testing the weight of the door. "Three...two..."

"WAIT! That's our plan?" interrupted Will.

"Yes," Larry said.

'"Shoot at anything that flies?" Will repeated in disbelief.

"We've learned that when dealing with unknown demons, it's best just to play it by ear," Ed told him matter-of-factly.

"Well, that just makes me feel so much better," Will muttered as the countdown started again.

"Three… two… one!"

Larry burst into the room and the others followed, crowding onto the landing, pointing their crossbows down into the room.

The empty room.

It was silent and quiet...except for some muffled whimpering.

"Oh my God." Donna lowered her weapon and started down the stairs. "The interns..."

The others followed, finally noticing that the shelves full of Xerox boxes weren't actually full of Xerox boxes. The interns had been bound, hand and foot, gagged, and trussed into a fetal position. There was just enough room to stuff two of them on each of the top shelves.

"They can't move," Donna gasped. "They'll roll right off..."

"All right," said Ed, grabbing a chair and climbing onto it so that he could reach the top shelf. He made eye contact with the frightened intern nearest him. "We're going to get you out of here," he reassured her.

Pulling a knife out of nowhere, he brandished it and got to work on the nearest set of ropes. Larry started cutting the bindings on the girls positioned on the shelf below.

"Can we help?" asked Will. "You didn't give us knives."

"Just cover us," Larry said briefly, his attention on the girls. It wouldn't do to slice a major artery while trying to rescue them. "Watch for threats."

"Threats like me?" asked a voice that sounded personable and yet sinister at the same time.

Josh, Will and Donna swung their crossbows in the direction of the sound, but couldn't quite make out the identity of the figure huddled in the shadows.

"Distract him," Larry and Ed said together, their eyes never leaving their task.

"We need a few more minutes to finish these ropes," said Ed.

A cloaked figure with a hump and a limp dragged itself closer to the center of the room.

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that," the voice continued in its ominous yet cheerful tone.

"I know that voice," said Donna, stepping forward and raising her crossbow higher. She peered intently at the misshapen man. "Joe?"

"Joe?" echoed Josh, incredulous.

"Yes," the figure said, stepping into the light and throwing off its hood.

Donna, Josh and Will gasped. "Joe," Donna managed. "Your face..."

Gone were the All-American smooth-skinned good looks. Joe's left shoulder was hunched up and his head was held at an awkward angle. His forehead and cheek were large, swelling lumps, and a wart sprouting hair grew from the side of his nose.

"What about my face?" he asked innocently. "This is my regular face."

"Honest good looks, you said," Josh couldn't help but remind her.

"Shut up, Josh."

"Handsome Republican."

"Not another word."

"He walks with a limp, Donna!"

"And he has a hump on his back, I know..."

"What hump?" asked Joe earnestly, looking over the mound of his left shoulder.

They ignored him.

"Anyway, you're one to talk," sniped Donna. "I have one word for you...short, ugly brunette."

"That's three words."

Joe drew himself to his full height, which with the hump was now barely five and a half feet. "I'll have you know that my cloak is so much more comfortable than that unnatural monkey suit ever was!"

They both turned on him. "Shut up, Joe," they said together.

"You know what I mean," Donna hissed. "At least other people *like* Joe. You always go for the people no one else on earth enjoys being around."

"And you always go for the ones that don't stick around."

She pretended not to hear him. "I think that shows insecurity on your part. Why go for the popular girl? Why not go for the desperate one-she'll be easy to sweep off her feet."

"Listen, missy, I've had plenty of popular girls..."

"Alpha-girls, you called them."

"Women *love* me! I've got my own fan club!"

"Teeny-boppers who don't know how arrogant and insufferable you really are."

"Insufferable? INSUFFERABLE? Look at this guy - you said he was just like Ainsley Hayes!" Josh shouted, his voice taking on a higher pitch. "You said others would find him attractive!"

"I'm STANDING RIGHT HERE!" cried Joe, aggrieved.

Will lowered his crossbow for a moment to pat Joe's arm reassuringly. "It's okay," he said sympathetically. "Once they get going, you can't really distract them. They did the same thing to me."

"...you talk a good game about Ainsley, the blonde, beautiful, popular girl, but when it comes to closing the deal, you can't..."

"He can't actually bring himself to date one of those bimbos," a somewhat nasal voice interjected.

All of them turned to see Amy slinking down the steps, wearing an inappropriately brief top that failed to cover her midriff.

"Hey, Amy." Josh said weakly.

Donna quickly leveled her crossbow in Amy's direction, wishing she had thought to bring the witch-finder from Ed and Larry's stash. To Amy, she said, "What are you doing here?"

"Well, right now I'm defending Josh from the blonde bimbos of the world...whoa!" She ducked the bolt that sped from Donna's crossbow. "Not bad. But I'm a little too quick."

Donna snatched another arrow from the quiver on Josh's back. "Oh? From what Josh said, you took forever," she jibed as she took aim at Amy yet again.

"I never said anything like that," Josh protested lamely, trying to recall exactly what he *had* said. As often as he'd fantasized about a catfight between Donna and Amy-with Donna as the triumphant victor who eventually claimed him as her prize, to use over and over again, however she saw fit, until he collapsed with exhaustion-now was not the time. He placed a restraining hand on Donna's arm and she reluctantly lowered her weapon.

The gesture was not lost on Amy. "It doesn't matter," she said as she closed the distance to the group. Will took a defensive position in front of Ed and Larry, who had by now severed most of the ropes and were helping the interns down from the shelves. She threw him a pitying glance and continued towards Josh, Donna, and Joe.

"I'm actually here for another reason," she said. "I'm afraid you can't take the interns. I need them."

"Need them?" asked Josh. "Doesn't Mrs. Bartlet get help..."

"Not for that," Amy scoffed. "I'm bringing them to someone else."

Donna's eyes widened. "You arranged for the flying monkeys?"

"Yes," said Amy with a smile. "I always knew you were the smart one, Donna. I was supposed to be discreet, and Avissimians - they prefer that to flying monkeys -- don't leave any DNA evidence."

Will stared at Amy in astonishment. "You really thought no one would notice an entire group of interns being dragged off by - what did you call them?"

"Avissimians."

"By Avissimians?"

She shrugged. "Why? They're just interns. Soon-to-be-dead interns," she added with a smug smile.

"Hey!" cried Lauren Number Two, now finally free of her ropes and gag. "You have no idea how much trouble an intern can cause if she wants to!"

"This place would fall apart without us," the non-Lauren intern chimed in as she pulled the gag from her mouth.

Amy ignored them. "Besides, we figured it was late enough that no one else would be around. Who would believe the new Deputy Communications Director when he told them flying monkeys had taken his staff? No one," she chortled. "And no one ever bothers to come down here. Who'd want to? It's always occupied by Republican lawyers."

"Hey!" Joe protested.

"Or people *pretending* to be Republican lawyers," Amy smoothly amended. "The only person who ever came down here regularly was Sam Seaborn, and we got The Powers That Be to take care of him by getting him a seat in Congress."

"Sam got a seat in Congress?" Josh echoed incredulously.

"Really?" asked Donna.

"I never heard that," said Larry, looking at Ed reproachfully.

"Hey!" Ed said, defensive, "I didn't know anything about it!"

"Are you sure he got a seat in Congress? I thought he was going back into law," said Josh.

"I thought he was going to be a senior counselor to the President," said Will, worried. "I'd hate to think I took his job away..."

"No, no, that wasn't your fault," Donna soothed, patting his arm. Josh frowned at her.

"What about the person who occupied this office before," Will glanced at Joe's twisted body, "him?"

"Ainsley Hayes? It was time to get rid of her," Amy sneered. "We got a package deal with her and Sam."

"What did you do to her? " demanded Josh. "She was one hell of a… lawyer," he hastily amended, seeing Donna's scowl.

"We haven't harmed her. Let's just say she'll stay warm...permanently."

"Warm? I thought a bitch like you would freeze her victims," Donna jeered.

Amy gave her an evil laugh and looked at Josh. "Don't worry, Josh. I'll make sure *this* blonde gets sent somewhere suitably frigid. How does that sound?"

"Why, you..." Donna started towards her but Joe shuffled over to put his hunched body between her and Amy.

"No," he wheezed. "You...cannot...touch her..."

Donna stared at him, disgusted. She couldn't believe she'd ever found him attractive. "And how do you fit in? Why are you even here?"

Joe sneered. "Hey, I'm pretty popular at my day job, baby, and you for one thought I was handsome. When the interns started disappearing, no one would ever suspect the good-looking, charming new Associate Counsel."

"Actually," Amy said in an aside to Josh. "We really thought Joe might be an asset in handling Donna, what with her tendency to date any single Republican male within a ten-mile radius, but that didn’t happen this time. Apparently, you've started keeping closer tabs on your assistant."

"Damn str..." Josh began, then hurriedly shut up.

Donna didn't appear to notice. "What about the interns?"

"They were getting too nosy, sneaking down here to take a look at the new guy every time they got a chance," said Amy.

"Apparently, I'm a biscuit," said Joe, scratching the wart on the side of his nose.

"And then," Amy continued as if she hadn't heard anything. "Our...boss...gave us new instructions. It was a perfect opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. Or four, as the case may be." She chuckled at her own joke. "And our… boss… knows just the how to take care of them. So, little girls, you'll be dead soon..."

"Not today!" shouted Lauren Number One, sliding off the top shelf with Larry's help. She dashed up the stairs, the other interns hard at her heels.

A great crash sounded in the hall outside the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue, blowing open the door. A startlingly beautiful blonde woman appeared at the top of the stairs just in time to seize Lauren Number One and hoist her up by the scruff of her neck.

The mysterious woman scrutinized her captive. "Hmmm, interesting choice in eye shadow," she sneered before releasing Lauren Number One suddenly, letting her fall back down the stairs. Lauren tumbled into the other two Laurens and they all landed in a heap at the bottom landing, barely missing Non-Lauren, who had quickly jumped out of the way.

The newcomer scrutinized a broken nail on her left hand. "Damn! And I just got a manicure, too," she pouted. She surveyed the assembled humans in the room and then focused her attention back on Lauren Number One. "Running? In those shoes? What WERE you thinking? Wait - you weren't." She adjusted the strap on her own Manolo Blahnik's and started down the steps. "It's so depressing. No one in this city has any fashion sense. Except that Press Secretary. Now SHE knows how to dress."

She glanced at Lauren Number Three, who was trying to inch past her up the stairs towards the door. "EXCUSE ME. Did I say you could leave?"

"Uh, no?"

"Then get back down there with your sniveling associates," Glory ordered. She turned to her minions. "Amy, Joe, are these the virgin sacrifices you promised me?" she asked in a cloyingly sweet voice.

"Yes, Glorificus, wonder of all Gods and Goddesses, most powerful-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." She flicked a finger at Lauren Number Three's lackluster hair. "Ugh. Haven't you ever heard of conditioner, sweetie?"

"Hey! I'll have you know I use-"

"What-EV-er! You think I care?" She shot a clearly nonplussed glare at Amy.

"They were all we could find, Mistress," Amy explained apologetically.

"I guess they'll have to do then, won't they?"

"Umm..." said Lauren Number Two, hesitantly raising her hand. "Did you say virgin sacrifices?"

"Yes, I need four virgins."

"Hey," said Lauren Number One. "Don't look at me. I'm not a virgin." She turned to Lauren Number Two. "What about you?"

"Well...technically, I guess."

Lauren Number One grinned. "You read that report cover to cover."

Lauren Number Two grinned back, unashamed. "Hell yes. So did you."

"Pages twenty-seven to thirty-three, baby!"

"Handy information for so many reasons."

"We buried that report!" Josh exclaimed, his attention finally captured by something other than the beautiful blonde demanding virgin sacrifices.

"We found it," Lauren Number Three said smugly. "Stuck in with a bunch of other papers in one of those big Xerox boxes you always have us hauling around."

Glory interrupted them. "Okay, well, I don't know what you're talking about, but you don't count. What about you?" She pointed at Non-Lauren.

Donna lowered her voice and whispered to Josh, "What report does she mean? What's on pages twenty-seven to thirty-three?"

"I'll show you later," he hissed back. Donna raised an eyebrow. He paused, reviewing what he'd just said. "I mean, I'll show you *the report* later."

Donna made an annoyed noise and tuned back into the conversation.

"'...who has not known man'," Glory quoted, exasperated.

"You are?" said Lauren Number Three. "What about Bill from the secretarial pool?"

"Oh, I *knew* him all right, I just wouldn't sleep with him..."

"Okay, I'm not sure, but you probably don't count either. What's this world coming to?" Glory asked in disbelief. She turned to Will. "I don't suppose there's any chance..."

"NO!" Will shouted, before continuing in a more normal voice. "I mean, no. I am many things, but a virgin is not one of them."

Glory turned to Amy and in her inimitable way said, "Oh, Amy..."

Amy winced from her position kneeling on the floor. "Yes, Mistress?"

"You know what this means, don't you?" Glory asked in a sickly-kind voice.

"I'll try harder, Mistress."

"Really." Disbelief dripped from the word.

"Anything you need, Mistress."

"Weeell...I hate to bring this up, but you didn't GET me what I NEEDED when I ASKED FOR IT."

"So, so sorry..." Amy's stuttering apology was cut off by Glory.

"You take them in and give them a home and you ask for ONE LITTLE THING - well, ok, FOUR - and all they can do is give you excuses," she complained.

"There's no way she could've known-" Josh started, feeling obligated to defend Amy for some reason.

"Was I talking to you?" Glory cut him off. "NO. We were talking about me. ME! I'm so tired of everyone talking about THEM. My head hurts."

"I've, uh, got some Advil…" Donna began.

Glory stared directly through her and began speaking in a soft girlish voice. "Big swirly green orb. It was so pretty. And it was MINE. All mine. A bundle of mystic energy…opening new worlds." Her face hardened. "Then THEY came. Bringing puppies and kittens and soft cuddly things. No! It's my play toy. MINE! It hurts. Make it stop hurting!"

She broke off her disjointed monologue and focused on Amy, pointing an accusing finger at her.
"If I can't have the brains of my virgins," Glory told her in a syrupy voice. "I'll take YOUR brain instead."

Before anyone could react, Glory sank her fingers deep into Amy's skull. An electric green light emanated from them, and Amy's mouth dropped open in shock.

Within moments, Glory yanked back her hand and Amy slumped to the floor.

"Oh, that feels SO much better," Glory said as she rolled her neck and smiled in satisfaction. "Joe! Time to go, minion."

"Yes, mistress," he agreed nervously as he slithered toward her.

She grabbed the edge of his cloak and dragged him up the stairs behind her. At the threshold, she glanced back at the assembled humans and sneered. "You think you're all so smart. But you haven't seen the last of me."

Then, with a flick of her slim wrist, she and Joe vanished, leaving behind a drooling Amy and a lot of puzzled White House staffers and interns.

Josh was the first to speak up. "What kind of demon was *that*?"

"Technically, Glory's not a demon. She's a god," Ed explained.

"A god?!" Josh's voice rose by an octave. "That… that… woman… is a god?"

"They come in all shapes and sizes," Larry told him as he began gathering their discarded weapons.

"I don't know, Josh, she was attractive and blonde. And a man with your ego must think he's worthy of a dating a god," Donna quipped, a slight edge to her voice. "Maybe you should have gone with her."

"Donna-"

"You couldn't take your eyes off her," she huffed.

"She magically appeared and started talking about virgins. What was I supposed to do?"

Donna snorted.

"Anyway," he said. "You were worse than I was."

"How do you figure?" Donna asked incredulously.

"What was with that whole 'I love a man who packs a big weapon' routine in Leo's office?"

"Oh, please. Just because I like a man who wields power..." She broke off suddenly, flushing.

Josh pounced. "You like powerful men?" he asked, smirking.

"Not all of them," she snapped.

"But you think I'm powerful, right?" He grinned like a little kid.

She ignored him, turning to Ed. "What do we do now?"

"Nothing. Larry and I will put a call in to the Council and let them know about Glory's most recent location. Then we all go back to running the country."

"What about Amy?" Will asked as he looked at the drooling woman still slumped on the floor.

"We can't do anything for her now," Larry told them sympathetically. "We'll have our people from Psych pick her up. They'll take care of her."

Will turned to his interns, putting one cautious hand on Lauren Number Two's shoulder and one on Non-Lauren's arm. "Are you all right?" he asked each one in turn. They all nodded, but each appeared shaken.

He smiled gently. "I'm not that good at this, but my sister seems to think that chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream can fix anything. Let's go find some."

He moved to usher his interns up the stairs. Lauren Number One turned as she got to the door. "Thank you," she said to everyone left in the room.

The other girls' thanks echoed hers. As they left, the words, "Uh, Will? Can we have beer instead of ice cream?" drifted back down the stairs.

Amy moaned, and the others turned to look down at her with pity in their eyes.

"She has a dog, you know," Josh commented.

"We'll send someone around to her apartment to take care of it," Larry assured him. He nudged Ed. "Let's go." They collected the last of the weapons and departed.

Josh was left alone with the two women. He helped Donna pull a babbling Amy to her feet and they slowly began leading her through the maze of hallways back to the East Wing.

Amy swayed between them as they went, speaking gibberish. "One bottle, two bottles, three bottles. Get it. Get him. Put him in an Easy Bake oven...cut the cord...sorry, sorry...well done, it's burnt..."

Josh and Donna exchanged worried glances but said nothing, choosing to focus on getting Amy to her office instead. When they arrived, Donna led her to a comfortable chair, but she promptly slid from the butter-soft leather onto the floor.

"Should we, I don't know, *do* anything?" Josh asked.

"Larry said we just had to wait for the guys from Psych," Donna said softly.

They watched as Amy grabbed a fallen diploma from where it rested near the wall and started to tear the parchment from the frame. Her still nimble fingers began fashioning an elaborate paper airplane.

"She used to make balloon animals, too," said Josh.

"She was good with her hands?" Donna couldn't help but ask, wincing even as she said the words. She hoped she didn't sound too waspish under the circumstances.

"Not really," Josh answered absently, not appearing to notice.

Donna was saved from having to reply by a knock on the door. Two handsome, muscular orderlies bustled in and headed straight for Amy.

One gently plucked the paper airplane out of her hands. "Come on, Amy, it's time to go."

"Amy? Who's Amy?"

Josh and Donna exchanged glances; then both looked down, sadly, at the political operative gone mad.

******

They walked in silence back to Josh's office. Josh wandered in, surveyed the papers on his desk, and exhaled heavily. "You know what? I don't feel like working anymore. Wanna go?"

Donna's shoulders slumped in relief. "Oh, thank God. Yes. I'll get my coat."

Josh grabbed his backpack and followed her out.

"So what was that report the interns found, anyway?" Donna asked as they headed for the parking lot. "You remembered it right away, just from the page numbers."

"Oh, it was the Presidential Commission on..." Josh suddenly stopped talking, struck by inspiration.

"On...?" Donna prompted.

"You know, I have a copy at home. Come to my place, we'll order in, I'll show it to you."

Donna glanced up at him, surprised, then smiled. "Sounds like fun."

*****

She bolted upright in the bed, disoriented and more than a little nervous.

"Josh, wake up."

"Sngrmphhhh…"

She nudged him with her foot.

"Huh? Wha?"

"Wake up."

He cracked an eye open and noticed the decided lack of daylight. "It's still night out."

"I had a weird dream," she told him.

"And…?"

"We worked in the White House."

That got his attention. "Okay, I know we've discussed the possibility, but you do realize I'm still just a US Senator, right? One that isn't getting his full eight hours at the moment."

She ignored his complaint. "No, it wasn't like that. There were demons and-" She stopped, fearing how ridiculous she sounded.

"Donna?" Josh encouraged her to continue.

She started again. "You were the Deputy Chief of Staff and I was your assistant. We bantered and teased but we never got past it to the good stuff. And you were interested in all these other women. You kept mentioning some girl with a strange name. Amelie, maybe?"

"Well, that's never gonna happen," he snorted. "I don't even know an Amelie."

"Very funny. What if you decide to trade me in for a new model?"

"Donna, that's never going to happen. I love you." He rolled over onto his back and pulled her into his arms, giving her a brief kiss. "Tell me more about your dream."

She snuggled into his side and started her story. "You and I were working in our office and this guy - he was a really cute guy, too -"

"Donna!"

She leaned up to kiss his cheek. "Not as cute as you. He didn't have your dimples." She paused when she saw his disgruntled look, and gave him a longer kiss for good measure. "Anyhow, he came rushing in, ranting about flying monkeys-"

"Like in the movie? I told you we shouldn't watch that before bed. And anyhow, they weren't that scary."

"That's *exactly* what you said in my dream!"

"Damn straight!" he declared cockily. "I'd take them on for you any day." He gave her a little squeeze. "What else happened?"

"Leo was there and he called in Ed and Larry-"

"Ed and Larry? From my office?"

"Yes. They were some kind of professional demon hunters and they led us into the White House basement, where we found some interns tied up. And then-"

"A demon showed up and tried to kill us all?"

"A god, actually. She sucked the brains out of someone... "

"A brain-sucking god?" Josh snickered. "She wasn't the incarnation of television, was she?"

"Maybe you had to be there," she frowned. It had seemed so much more dramatic in her dream. "She also started demanding virgin sacrifices..."

"Mmm... Virgin sacrifices?" He leered at her. "I hope I offered to save you from a fate worse than death."

"You might have," she giggled. "The dream was a little fuzzy on that point."

"Plus, you already have the real thing." He kissed her for emphasis.

"Dimples and all. I'm sorry, it was just..." She had a vision of a horribly disfigured person in a black cloak and she shivered.

His arms tightened around her again. "It was just a dream, Donna. There are no such things as demons - unless we're talking about Republicans in the White House - and we're safe and sound, in our own home, in our own bed. Go back to sleep. If you need to dream about us in the White House again, make sure we're in the roles of First Lady and President."

She brushed her lips against his cheek. "Have I ever told you how incredibly attractive your dimples are?"

He grinned. "You may have mentioned it once or twice." His mouth found hers and they shared a slow, thorough kiss.

Eventually, she broke away, giving him another little peck on the lips and smiling. "I love you. I'm sorry I woke you up."

"It's okay," he chuckled. "That's what husbands are for, to slay all the evil Republican demons for their brides. Get some rest - I'll make sure you stay safe," he told her as he gave her one last squeeze.

He nuzzled her hair and drifted off to sleep again. But Donna lay awake and wondered why the brunette with the nasal voice seemed so familiar…

THE END

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