Title: Remember Me This Way
By: Amanda
Feedback: sweety167@yahoo.ca
Rating: PG
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Disclaimer: I’m just playing with JK Rowling’s toys. I promise to put them back when I’m done, whenever that is. And the song is by Jordon Hill
Timing: the space between OotP and HBP
Spoilers: OotP, HBP
Summary: Sometimes, only sometimes, you get the chance to say it all after. Sometimes, you hear it all after. A Songfic
Completed: October 23, 2005
Notes: For Mackittenx on her birthday. Happy Birthday Kat! It’s angst-y songfic, but it’s still for you. And I must add a warning for cheese content. Be aware of the cheese factor here.
There were only two years between deaths. Azkaban to drapery. I never had the chance to find the words, to express myself, to say good bye to the one person I never wanted to leave again. Life, and death it seems, is unfair like that. But it’s something to have that chance after, that chance to say what needs to be said. At least it’s something.
Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
Look at him. Sitting there, in a cold, dark room with nothing but his tea and a small stack of dusty old books. Shutting himself off from everything else, from the world. The true introvert.
Remus.
The strong one, the faithful one, the understanding one. The last one. The only one. More than a friend, and much more than a lover. The one I secretly admired, the one I openly watched, the one I foolishly mistrusted. I could never make that up to you. Could never find the right way to say sorry, since I could never take it back. Though I wanted to.
I always had a problem finding the right words when it came to Remus.
In James I found a brother, the one to knock around, the one who didn’t care that I wasn’t an upstanding pureblood and the one I could ramble on to about anything, using any words. Peter was once a pack mate, the one who would make obscene noises to fill silences, who never really had to worry about words. But in Remus it was a second half. Two halves of the same night. And yet, the one I always tripped over words for. But he was understanding. He understood and accepted more than I knew about myself. Didn’t he? He must have.
Remus, you’ve been everything.
I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay
I knew Sirius wasn’t going to be around forever, neither of us would, I just thought we’d have sometime together after loosing thirteen years. It just isn’t fair to have lost him more than have him.
I’m amazed I even have the strength to mourn him. Again. If you call this strength. Sitting alone, giving up, crying.
But I loved him. Love him. And when you love someone – when you love each other – you can never really lose them. Part of them is always with you, if you remember them. That way they can never be gone. Not completely. Or at least that’s what I keep trying to tell myself, that’s what I’m trying to believe. I have to.
That belief was the only thing that got me through the nights last time. The cold nights, and the warm ones. All nights. Sometimes even the mornings.
So I need to pull myself together, and stop crying. I need to just remember him. Or lose myself forgetting.
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way
Remus please don’t cry.
I could never handle it. It scared me, still does. You feel so much pain already, too much for such a small frame. Too much for anyone. A fear of nights and dread of days. You have so much strength, more than me in many ways, that’s why it has always been too much to see you hurt. To catch those few moments you gave up and cried.
I wish you could feel happiness again, be happy. Find that gentle smile that curved around tea cups and chocolate. Use it. I wish that you could get out of the past and reach for a future. I know it has to be hard, seemingly impossible, when you’re the last, the only one to remember. But that’s why, now more than ever, while you can, you have to grab a hold of life while it’s still there. Grab at any moment you can touch, before it all slips away.
Or worse, is ripped away. Stolen. So much has been taken from you, you need to have something that is new, that is yours. That is now.
But remember, always remember, that we were real, that I loved you. Love you. That we had each other. Once, and truly, it was Padfoot and Moony. Remus and Sirius. Two boys in love. That was yours, will always be yours. But…it’s gone now.
It can always be remembered, but never relived. When things get dark, remember those two boys in love, with youth and time seemingly on their sides and a lifetime before them. Jokes and chocolate, smiles and laughter. Climbing into one bed and trying desperately to keep quiet, but unable to keep their hands off each other. Remember me that way. Remember us like that.
I don't need eyes to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where I go
And I know that you'll be there
Forever more a part of me, you're everywhere
I'll always care
Sirius, I swear that you’re here, somehow, watching me…and telling me to pull my head out of my arse. To pull myself up by the bootstraps and give it all another go. Once upon a time, you would tackle me to the ground and tickle me until I swore to lighten up. Or there were those times you’d kiss me senseless to the point were I forgot what was wrong.
You always managed to tell me you loved me, without having to say it. You always knew the right thing that would make me smile, that would make me see the bright side, that would make me love you more.
I just hope I told you. I just hope you knew.
And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your side and all you do
And I won't ever leave
As long as you believe
You just believe
I know. I’ve always known. You’ve always told me. And I’ll always be here Moony. You didn’t think you could get rid of me that easily, did you? You didn’t think it would be that easy for me to leave, did you? I can never leave you. I’ll always be here, watching out for you, checking up on you. Here to give you that needed kick in the arse. And being happy for you, in anything you choose to do, to salvage a life.
Just believe I’m here, and I will be.
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way
Living. That’s the difference between dwelling and remembering.
You have to get up and get out of this room Remus, and live. Use that strength and that kindness. Even though it seems impossible, smile. It’s your second war – or maybe it’s all been the one – and you have to soldier on. That’s what you do, with your usual clumsy charm and complete compassion. You’re far too good for this world, and that’s why you’re here.
That a boy! Clear away the old cups and pull on those robes. Get up, get out and live. Don’t worry about looking back. Don’t worry about me. I’ll always be here. I will always be there in those happy moments of fall tress and snowball fights. In sticky, sweaty nights and quiet afternoons. That Dog Star for you to follow and accompany you on moon drenched nights.
When you go off and live, remember me that way. Yes, remember me like that, and it will all be all right.
Go on now. Go.
End.