Title: Missing
By: Amanda
Feedback: sweety167@yahoo.ca
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Characters by Chris Carter, Song by Evanescence.
Summary: Even cities away from each other, Byers and Susanne share the same night thoughts.
Completed: December 14, 2004



John Fitzgerald Byers. The one with the biggest name – in more ways then one- was by all means the loneliest.
And this was the thought that plagued his mind, his life and his heart. It was especially difficult on nights like this, when the warehouse was quiet and he found himself starring up at the night sky. Searching for something, someone. Hoping he finally found her.

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

Susanne Modeski starred up at the same sky. Searching for the same validation.
Was it even possible for John to be looking at the same sky at the same moment? Was it possible for him to still be holding on to ‘someday’? Even when she can’t come home, again. She still can’t come back…but does it matter? Is she missed?
The twinkling stars in the black blanket of sky never answered that, they ever tell her if she’s a forgotten apparition. Never tell her if he thinks anything’s missing.

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

“Do you remember ‘someday’?” he finds himself asking the empty night.
He swore he could hear the no given as an answer by the silence. It came from years of waiting and these months with no communication. It was hard not to believe it, not to fall into the lonely self-doubt late at night. He had seen her move on before, watch her wear the ring she past on to him.
Had she forgotten him then? Had she forgotten him this time?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

He would have done everything for her. Had done everything. Was willing to die for her blonde hair and needful eyes. Risked friends, both old and new, for her. John surely would have died to help her, and to know how she felt…but that wasn’t why he did done it. No, he did it because she needed him. His sacrifice to her.
But he was still alone, still left wondering if she missed him nearly as much as he missed her, is missing her.

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out:
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

“Oh John,” the sign escaped as Susanne leaned against the railing, facing, she could hope, toward him, “It’s the closest I can get to you.”
Again, she can’t go home to him, but can see what he’s doing to himself – his good and noble self- he’d think it was his fault. He’s blame himself for her being too scared to some home. But she can’t make herself see that something was missing, that someone was missing her.

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

As she saw it, she was the one sacrificing everything. Running and leaving and hiding had sacrificed her happiness. It had put her into false realities. But John couldn’t understand that. He couldn’t understand her need to create this new life, this happy marriage between Jackie and James Mathew.
She disappeared to keep him, to learn that John loved her. But she was still alone. Alone in a new life where no one new missed Susanne, but she knew someone missed her, somewhere.

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

He was never sure which was worse: Missing her, or doubting that she missed him. It all lead to sleepless nights or misleading dreams. Happy dreams of a white picket fence and family, only to awake in a dark warehouse. It tells him something is missing, it screams it at him. Slowly tearing into him, eating him inside-out.

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

As she saw it, she gave up everything good that ever touched her.

He didn’t see how she had ever tried, or that she ever would. It was hopeless.

If she had died, there would be no more doubting, no more sleepless nights, no more lies. They would know. Both of them.

He’s been left alone, and worse, emotionally lonely. As years pass, it only grew worse, magnified by the passage of time.

As she lives her fake little life, she knows it’s missing. She knows that something is missing to make this a real life, a real existence, but she ignores it.
“Jackie,” James’ friendly voice called out to Susanne, “Come inside, sweetheart.”
“Coming…” she took one last look at the night sky, and it’s mocking silence, before running away again.

John couldn’t help but wonder, if he was missed, if anyone would ever miss him. Someone missing him could make all the difference, it could mean everything.
“Byers man, are you out there?” Langly bellowed out the door, “You’re letting the heat out.”
John shook his head, a sad laugh playing on his face, “I’ll be in, in a minuet.”
“Okay….ah, everyone’s up now, you want a coffee?”
Byers smiled, truly. He was sure people missed him, just not the one he expected. “Coming…”


END