Title: Foolish Games
By: Amanda
Feedback: sweety167@yahoo.ca
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The characters are by JK Rowling. The lyrics are by Jewel. I just have fun putting them together.
Spoilers: Up to Goblet of Fire (sort of)
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Summary: The rain makes you remember things. It makes Remus remember everything.
Completed: June 20, 2005
Notes: This is not betaed, so all mistakes and crappy writing are my own!



You took your coat off, and stood in the rain.
You were always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.

Remus watched Sirius through the kitchen window. He was standing in the small cottage yard, arms out-stretched, feeling the falling rain. His head thrown back and a smile of contentment on his face as the rain soaked his clothes – the thin, ragged slacks and hand-me-down shirt. Who knows how long it had been since he felt the warm caress of summer rain. To look at him, one would think a lifetime, maybe two.
But even in the ratty clothes and sunken body, Remus is reminded of the times from before. Of the Sirius from before. Of how they were before. All of them.

You were always the mysterious one with
dark eyes and careless hair.
You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say,
Besides some comment on the weather.

The first time Remus laid eyes on Sirius it was raining. A cold, fall rain. It was raining on the ride to Hogwarts. The train was being beaten with the downpour when the cabin door slide open and there stood the one and only Sirius Black – with James and Peter. He was beautiful, even then. Looking back.

“It’s getting wicked out there,” he dove for the window, inviting himself into the carriage car and into this boy’s life, “Have you ever seen rain like this?”
Remus wasn’t sure if he was being addressed, he wasn’t sure the dark haired boy even knew he was sitting there.
The one in glasses, James, laughed, “That’s just Sirius’ way of asking if anyone’s sitting in here. Those Blacks have no manners.”
And Sirius just shrugged, making no admissions or excuses.
Remus was shy and silent; he just shook his head.
“Good then,” so Sirius Black smiled, flopping himself into the seat next to Remus.
The other two settled into the other seats, fumbling about with wands and idle, open chatter.

It was James, or maybe even Peter, who spoke up with names and introductions. Remus was too captivated, stunned really, by the boy with perfect black hair and rich, pristine robes to remember. One of the most important moments of his life, meeting friends, and all Remus could remember was those eyes looking at him from under the dark fringe. As if he knew everything but would never say. The curious mystery that was Sirius Black.

Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart, bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees.

Remus still found himself stunned by Sirius. He was still mysterious and untouchable – only now it hurt. It hurt for everything they used to have, they used to feel and share. And he didn’t remember any of it – or at least didn’t seem to. That was the other problem, Sirius didn’t tell Remus anything. No matter how much he wanted him to…
It was harder without an audience, like at the shack. It was harder without James or sometimes even Peter, the one from school, running to fill the silence. It was harder because he was, had become.

And these foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart...
You're breaking my heart.

There were times when they had gone silent to hurt each other. Their silly games. The times they tried to hurt each other, the times they did without trying. Boys and their games, their pranks. The Prank. It ended their world then. It reminded them that soon they would be men: Sirius had the power to break them. Remus had the power to survive and forgive. James had the power to save them. And Peter, he learned how to destroy them.
Not that any of them knew that.
Then it was the broken hearts of boys, the end of their world, their innocence. The end of them, as before. But all was easily mended with mournful looks, beautiful words and dutiful kisses. It broke Remus’ heart then, but it mended. They all mended, only as boys can.
Looking back through everything from now, to come, it was nothing. Nothing more than some game. One of those things you did on bored, rainy nights. Foolish things.

You were always brilliant in the morning:
Smoking your cigarettes, and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you;
You loved Mozart,
And you'd speak of your loved ones,
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.

And for every dark time came the light moments. Every foolish game boys play was forgiven, the future lay before them. Together. Always together. Only together.
Remus and Sirius shared living space much more easily than, naturally even. Lazy mornings of strong tea and crosswords. Idle conversations. But what did they really say to each other? They didn’t have to say anything. That was the point. That was the beauty. That was them. They didn’t need anyone to fill the silence, because even in the silence they spoke. Remus could read the things written in coils of cigarette smoke and Sirius knew the Braille of Remus’ skin. Everything was easy between them.
How foolish it was to think it would stay.

But excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else:
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.

Why did he expect it to be like that now? More than anyone, Remus knew of the changes that time brought. But somehow he expected Sirius to be above all that, for them to be. He wanted the return of Sirius to mean the return of everything, everyone. Most of all himself.
That was expecting too much, too much from anyone. No one person could bring everything back. There is no magic for that.
And he wondered why he cared anymore, when that hope had rekindled. There was no reason for it. After years without it, he was surprised to learn that it still burned, still existed. That it still burned with Sirius. For Sirius.
If only Remus could invoke the same in Sirius. If only they always shared what they felt, had always bee that open, that sure.

And these foolish games are tearing me,
You're tearing me, you're tearing me apart.
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart...
You're breaking my heart.

Remus should have accepted they were too far gone when they spoke to each other and it was cold. The silences were cold. The stares were cold and suspicious. The sex was even colder, and impersonal.
If only they had communicated, if only they had shared. If only, if only, if only. But they didn’t. They hid and suspected and betrayed. They destroyed themselves. The way rain and water naturally breaks everything down, in time.

But it also had the ability to brings things back to life, rejuvenate them.

You took your coat off and stood in the rain;
You were always crazy like that.

In many ways Remus wished he was more like Sirius – and not in the same way as when they were children and all he wanted was to be beautiful and noble and pure. No, now he wished to be, seemingly, without the burden of happy memories, the haunting memories. To have everything new again. To not know better, or rather, to be careless about the rain’s affect on his clothes and health. And just feel it.
But he did know, and he did worry.

So even though Sirius was soaked through to the skin, Remus didn’t have the heart to tell him to come in from the rain.


END