Title: Fallen
By: Amanda
Feedback: sweety167@yahoo.ca
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The Song is Sarah McLachlan’s, the characters belong to Jerry and CBS.
Spoilers: Post Early Rollout.
Summary: Sara Song Fic : Her reflecting on her life in Las Vegas.
Completed: February 26, 2004


Sara sat at her kitchen table, if one could really call it that. In fact, the surface served as more of a catchall than a place to eat. But this morning, like most after shift, she really wasn’t concerned with eating; like always it was the thoughts running through her head that occupied her time while seated there. The never-ending cycle where she re-evaluates her life in the harsh morning light.

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear

She had brought herself this far from home for only one reason. Sure the move could be linked to advancing her career, but it really came down to answering the call of a ‘friend’. And she was more than happy to do it; she was lost in a completely different thought process when she agreed to his request without hesitation. She never once considered that it would ever be costing her this much, emotionally and mentally.

Though I've tried, I've fallen..
. I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come ‘round here
And tell me I told you so...

When she let herself, she could see moving to Las Vegas as a mistake – at least her real reasons for the move. But she kept that thought from herself, as often as she could.

We all begin out with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear.

There was just a naïveté about it. Having him call – bridging the gap of time – and confessing his need for her. Only it just wasn’t the personal need she wanted to hear, it was business. But from that first greeting, that smile and instant recognition of her voice, they could have started over. Like they did when they first met at the seminar.
Only it turned out to be the reverse.
They didn’t start over, they continued with all the unresolved baggage dragging along. And still she ends up being the one who loses – by not starting over they lost what they once had, or could have had. The stalemate was too much for her, and now they weren’t even friends.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Deep down she knew better than to push him, to push them. Asking him to dinner, seeing what would happen from the past, was a mistake. She could see that now. Not that it did any good to know in hindsight. It couldn’t save her now.

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I've lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

But here she was in Vegas, by all means alone. She knew that they all saw her as his lovesick student and now as the pathetic woman. Even Nick, her so-called best friends here, seemed to laugh at her. Catherine once pitied her. Now Brass worried.
They would always see her like that, the weak and broken fallen women she had become. Seemingly so sad and moody. She could never see herself as being anymore in their eyes now. She was always branded.

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

There were ways she tried to make them see her as more, in a different light, but the promotion and the highest solve rate seemed to make it all worse. The rumours still flew and they talked behind her back. But the worst was that she could believe them.

I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Sara bit her lip to fight back her emotional response to her own thoughts. They were getting harder and harder to fight against all on her own. And to be honest, the ‘few beers at breakfast’ had managed to numb it. The bitter liquid had actually given her something to support herself with; it had kept her from falling – the irony of which wasn’t lost on her, it was almost laughable, in a sad way.
She stared at the lone bottle, sitting on the tabletop in front of her. Closing her eyes tightly she laid her head down. The bright morning light was far too bright.