A Year of Poetry by Amanda Paweska
THE NIGHT
The calling,
the voice pulls at me.
A word of plea
requesting the permission.
I fall; the sound of my name
echoed in my ears.
The eyes,
their glare locks me in.
Glaring innocently
a light of pure emotion.
I submit; your lies
a twisted take of foreplay.
The lips,
their touch entices me to stay.
Fuck with my body,
not my mind.
I beg; invade my flesh
but leave my heart intact.
The hands,
the feel makes me yours.
Caresses strong and soft,
touch more than skin.
I curse; loss of heat on me
but imprint left over me.
The night,
the cold kills me.
An empty void
left where you were.
I cry; frustration creeping in
as you slipped out.
01/04/04
IMBALANCE
Why is
a girl’s body
a promise?
His hands
swear nothing
as they touch,
yet her acceptance
is a bond.
What vow
did I make
with my mouth,
that I broke
with my lips?
Your kiss
was an offer
of nothing.
He takes
a free ride
in the carnival
of the carnal
But for her
the price
is too high
to pay.
You enjoy
the little game
of lips and hands
without effect
But for me
a label
is then given;
a brand.
01/14/04
THE INVISIBLE SCARS
Wake yourself
with hot tears
on cold pillows,
slipping from
the safety of a dream
into the danger
of forgotten reality.
The invisible scars
are all that’s felt.
The painful noise
of silence;
the suffocation
of solitude.
The invisible scars
are all that’s left.
Lose yourself
in soft sheets
on the cold night,
craving another
empty moment with them,
the false fulfilment
of imagined love.
01/14/04
TWILIGHT CONFESSIONS
When you leave
the cold snow
spills across my bed.
How can a bed
keep a heartbeat?
To fill
the empty space
and comfort
the abandoned girl.
How can a pillow
draw a breath?
To shine light
on the hidden dreams
of dark nights.
How does a sheet
hold an embrace?
To be watched
by the ominous eyes
of the lonely moon.
When you leave
cold death
spills across my bed.
01/14/04
IN THIS BED
Lay awake
thoughts of nights
long gone
drift by my mind,
fantasies to come
appear.
In this bed.
Weep openly
replaying the time
once had
start behind closed eyes,
images of you
flash.
Empty and too big.
Drift in
restless remembering
the sleepy touch
cover the body,
caress once had
felt.
Without you.
Dream live
delusions of you
the wanted
fill my nights,
false meanings
found.
In this bed
empty and too big
without you.
01/14/04
UNBOUND
Be unbound;
Let her love you,
Let yourself live.
When the walls fall
the trapped
is released,
the coveted
is realised.
Be unbound;
Free who she is,
Free your own life.
When the bonds break
the self
becomes,
the future
begins.
Be unbound;
Share in her,
Share what you feel.
When the repressed is felt
the head
is silenced,
the heart
Be unbound.
01/16/04
INFLUENCE
They leap forward,
begging
for the cold kiss of steel.
Silently they speak,
screaming
for an escape from forever.
The warm blue rivers,
running
under the soft flesh.
Convincing the mind,
suggesting
the way out to bliss.
Their vivid colours,
bleeding
from the metal bite.
Lively they sob,
weeping
from the reached release.
They stop jumping,
Pooling
of the liquid life.
Stopping their voices,
ending
the trip along their path.
01/16/04
SWEET MISTAKES
Reliving a mistake,
desired to repeat
but doomed
never to feel again.
Reveal in the mistake;
the feel
of my head
on his chest.
-sad eyes
and guilty regrets.
Bathe in the mistake;
the taste
of his lips
on me.
-soft moans
and gentle tears.
Drown in the mistake;
the pain
of the door
closed on me.
-sick relief
and heart ache.
Reliving a mistake,
the sweet mistake
of you.
01/17/04
ABUSE
Scarlet letter
not pinned to me chest
but wrapped
around my neck
-choking
Your new label
etched into my soul
-burning
Set my bed aflame
then cast me
into blaring inferno
From pedestal
to pebble
-beating
Made what
you wanted of me
then punished
for being what I am
-lashing
The sharp pain
of wicked words
you speak
meant to cause
the stinging injury
-bleeding
the new stigma
running through my veins
the way to
consume me
01/23/04
INFLICT
You push
and pull
manipulate me
to the form
you want.
Words and
actions
used to make
the girl into
your toy.
And cast her out
when she becomes
what you use.
The pain you send
never as deep
as the pain
she inflicts
upon herself
The cuts you give
never bleed
as red and rich
as the carving
she inflicts.
The death you push
never as cold
as the end
she inflicts
to herself.
You give
and take
forcing me
into the image
you need.
Voice and
hands
used to break
the girl into
your game.
And cast her out
when she realises
she is
what you inflict.
01/23/04
BEST FRIENDS
The pairing of words
that becomes
a melding of hearts.
Not just hands are held,
but shoulders up
and spirits lifted.
Blood bonds sisters
but love
makes best friends.
Calls late at night
that still
the raging silence.
There to embrace
through the sobs
and laughter alike.
Blood bonds sisters
but love
makes best friends.
Conversations are held
without
words in the way.
The meaning never lost,
as we smile
or fall to tears.
Blood bonds sisters
but love
makes best friends.
If ever a mistake,
forgotten
without any request.
All is accepted,
this is not fault
and never failure.
Blood bonds sisters
but love
makes best friends.
Never give up on me,
Always there
leaning on each other.
A life long link formed:
a support system
and sheltered home.
Blood bonds sisters
but love
makes us best friends.
01/30/04
DARK EYES
Dark eyes;
the smouldering orbs
of mysterious romance,
and dark desires.
The unending depths
you want to fall in,
you drown in.
Firm hands;
the unyielding caress
that breaks you
and makes you stay.
The tight hold
you long to be embraced in,
be touched by.
Strong lips;
the talented flesh
of unspoken fantasies
and broken dreams.
The scorching mouth
you need the heat from,
it burns you.
Dark eyes;
that haunting image
of new lies.
02/02/04
WINTER
The grey skies
spread; a death shroud
blanketing the once vivid
world. Skeletal remains
desperately reaching
for another’s life. Silence shakes
the day like the still
of night. Cold months
will melt, new life
will grow.
The howling wind
cries; the tears fall
in gentle flakes to quiet
sobs. Frozen pieces
of light reflect and roll
away. The pale goddess
sleeps; the bright child
waits. Still and silent
weeks give way
to the new day.
02/02/04
INCARNATION
Pale temptress;
deep scars
marks her soft flesh
and sting
her gentle soul.
Weeping child;
lost and alone
in the wild world
of lies
and dark betrayal.
Pure maiden;
guilded cage
holds her prisoner
and keeps
her in a vision.
Vile fiend;
forced stigma
gnaw at her bones
they push
and pull her actions.
Invisible shadow;
empty space
the cold, covering blanket
left exposed
of all pain and glory.
Girl;
complicated form
with her broken body
and mind
working to find herself.
02/02/04
DESPERATE NEED
The still silence
is haunting.
The desperate need
to weep,
to let the salted drops
purge you
from me,
from my body,
from my soul.
But the cold waters
still cling
to the memory
of you.
The dark memories
are torture.
The desperate need
to cry,
to have an endless flood
drown me
in release,
in the abyss,
in the solitude.
But the hot tears
would confess
far too much
to you.
The calm loneliness
is throbbing.
The desperate need
is you…
02/06/04
EACH DROP
Lonely tears
roll down
my face
Each drop
a confession
of you;
the power
and pain
you hold
over me.
Each drop
sharing secrets
from you;
the love
and hate
I have
for you.
Each drop
laughing
at me;
the time
and energy
I wasted
on you.
Lonely tears
fill up
my night.
02/17/04
WAS GONE
She ached:
a hole
she could not
fill; the gap
that ate
her away.
He was gone.
She cried:
the tears
that would not
stop; the flow
that drowned
her in pain.
He was gone.
She screamed:
the sound
that could not
silence; the noise
that shattered
her into pieces.
She mourned:
a death
that would not
come; the loss
that killed
made her numb.
He never was.
02/29/04
SACRED
Sex is raw and tough,
and hard.
The game where you take,
and I give.
I pay worship
on my knees
to you, the god,
of flesh.
Offer of the body,
the sacrifice,
to the new false idol.
Searching for the saviour
to come;
eat of my body
and drink
of my blood –
The carnal communion.
All an illusion,
an allusion,
building up heaven
to reach,
find hell just
for spite.
The bliss of hot decent,
creating
the fallen woman?
Sex is raw and tough,
and hard.
03/09/04
ONE SIDED
Can you answer
the questions that haunt
when I see you?
What am I,
Can you tell me,
Do you even see me?
Do you remember
the feel of your body
laid out on mine,
or was I
the next conquest;
the new notch?
What’s a little fornication
between friends?
What was I,
Can you tell me,
Do you even remember?
Do you ever look
when you see me
the way you tried
to see my face or have you
forgotten the kiss?
What’s one shared night
when that’s it?
What will I be,
Can you tell me,
Do you even know?
Do you mind
if I remember?
03/09/04
MIND’S GAME
Images in my head
that I cannot see
and cannot shake
--they haunt the days
and posses my nights.
False memories
in the game they play,
the endless gyre
playing ‘what ifs’
for a private show
to the unhinged mind.
--Or is it the memory
that drives it mad?
Unstoppable thoughts
like a current crashing
denying the chance
for recovery – drowning
the hapless victim,
Or is this cold water wanted,
for the chance
to keep that one night
and a chance
to feel it forever?
03/15/04
INTERPRETATION
What did it mean
when you laid me
down
and covered my body
with yours?
Was it a way to fill
time
or a game to please
yourself?
The feel of your body
weighed more on me.
The memory of one nights
haunts,
is it remembered
by you?
To me I fell
the moment our lips
touched.
You move to see
and take me,
then simply slip
away,
leaving me to question;
why?
Did you feel nothing,
anything?
Did it mean anything,
nothing?
When it ment everything
to me.
03/17/04
DICHOTOMY
Friend and lover;
Father and daughter
- the same lie resides.
False love
in even falser relations.
Only when desired
pulled in,
cast away at inconvenience.
Paid for time
and rewarded for affection.
- the little girl as whore.
Punished
if she ever falls
or seeks an affirmation.
The lie resides;
Lover – lover
Father – daughter.
03/18/04
BURING TEARS
Burning tears
streaming down
my face,
stinging droplets
that tell all secrets
and confess
all sins to silence.
Burning tears
rolling across
my cold life,
the empty pillow
fills with sorrow
as each drop lands
to drown me.
Burning tears
reaching up
and attack me
falling torrent
starts the flooding
of each
long and lonely night.
The burning tears
kill me.
03/19/04
LONELY TEARS
The lonely tears
string together
in beads and pearls
to decorate
the broken, the fallen.
Tiny crystals
ment to comfort;
to cleanse
all the sins.
Empty nights fill
with the
watery purge of
lonely tears.
03/19/04
REALITY
I built you up
for you
to tear me down.
False hopes and images;
fantasy
of what we really were.
Your harsh reality
the need
to force the truth on me.
Break the safety bubble,
pop
the unfathomed hopes.
All this heart ache
my own
never uttered false promises.
Who said a kiss
had meaning?
You never made lies.
Own fault for feeling,
falling
for the misinterpretation.
In harsh daylight
dreams
of the night fade.
Just a lost girl
who thought
she had finally been found.
I built you up
and you
broke me down.
03/19/04
TRIPTYCH
Love,
passion,
desire and
lust.
You tear pieces
from me
like a vulture:
The fast attack
of a hungry beast.
Overtake,
dominate,
infest and
infect.
You spread
through me
like a virus.
The slow kill
with burning heat.
Rob,
steal,
rape and
murder.
You spill
over me
like a villain.
The sharp death
from your life.
03/25/04
LOVE
Words lay naked
like a corpse used
and broken.
All meaning
spread out to be
picked apart
and detailed.
The soul bared
and body
left exposed.
You read me
like an open book
in a forgotten language.
Mixed metaphors
changing the view
and revealing
every detail.
The body bared
and heart
left to rot.
03/30/04
UNWORTHY
My hand
encased in yours-
your attempts at
affections;
too much to bare.
My lips
trapped by yours;
gentle kisses
disarming-
too much to take.
Unworthy
of the pedestal,
unworthy
to be seen.
My body
held to yours-
your promises are
weakening;
too much to hear.
My skin
heated by yours;
burning caresses
scold-
too much to feel.
Unworthy
of the lies.
Unworthy
of the moans.
My mind
spun in yours-
your uses of
declarations;
too much to have.
My heart
possessed by yours;
shared beating
falsely-
too much to keep.
Unworthy
of you.
Unworthy
of me.
03/30/04
RECONSIDER
Taken home,
but not kept;
First choice
Passed over.
- Complicated.
An effort
too great
to try.
Given too much
then deserved,
But never
a real chance.
- Difficult.
A time
too late
to wait.
Played with
but not cared for;
affection offered
now forced.
- Unworthy.
A chance
too hard
to give.
03/30/04
CONVENTIONS
Morally insane?
Left untouched
by the divine words,
but fondled
by the carnivorous hands.
Broken passion?
Used and discarded
in the way of standards,
disclaim any pain
as a twisted view.
Left unclaimed?
The unwanted pet
for the upstanding,
the new found toy
that gets old fast.
Tainted youth?
Misspent time
and energy wasted,
ingesting the vices
of a world’s worth.
Loose power?
Still caged
but the bars’ guilded;
no owned strength,
but the will to submit.
Burning sexuality?
Prisoner under one
and chains enjoyed,
to feel it
and fall over.
Maintaining the roles?
03/30/04
NIGHT AND DAY
Dance with danger
and flirt with
destruction;
does this mean
I go home
with death?
Open invitation
to warm my bed,
share it
with frosted flesh.
Does the devil
come at night
and penetrate
by dawn?
Wake with no one
and be with
none,
does it mean
I’ve always had
nothing?
A closed door
on sharing life,
empty
within my own head.
Does the devil
penetrate at night
and leave
by dawn?
04/01/04
NO SAVIOUR
They seek
a saviour
when I can’t
save myself.
Searching
for redemption
All I offer
is a body;
a sin.
Not an angel
nor a demon,
just a girl
in mortal coil.
No saving grace,
by my embrace.
A refuge
and shoulder
a heaven.
Support them
as I fall.
Not a martyr,
no holly claim.
Just
a moral vessel
in her own
pain.
04/13/04
DIVINE RITE
Offering words
like a last rite,
the cold comfort
of some stranger’s voice
and stranger embrace.
Bury it
in a body,
the tomb of sheets
and blanketed stars.
Fair haired angel,
or wailing harpy?
The truth
is too hard
to tell:
Horrid images or
bleak fantasy?
Salvation sought
in the form
of the two.
Her arms the solace
and the suffering;
bring hell
or find heaven?
Cold comfort
in a warm touch,
a final prayer.
04/13/04
ISOLATE
Left alone
and isolated,
slowing fading
into invisibility.
How long
Before she ends
in non-existence?
Long forgotten,
she’s still
breathing
and bleeding.
Erased from record
like a secret,
or once committed
mistake.
Left alone
she dies,
the isolate
-the forgotten.
04/26/04
UNFALLEN
Offers no lies
or false promises
just an accepted
moment’s truth.
He worships her body
with mortal hands,
but crucifies her
for moves with another.
Held close and cooed to
as if a Saint;
a false idol
carved of human flesh,
quickly cast off
as a sinner
for breaking holly image.
Falls from a pedestal
that crumbles under her feet,
too high
for the flawed to sit.
No lies told
nor promises broken,
then no demon forged
or divinity fallen.
05/31/04
PASSAGE
The long path
across a lit stage
- but all the world
is one.
The trek
to the next stage,
the next act
in an ongoing play.
An identity bestowed,
a new existence conferred
for the next step,
the new start.
Work hard
and practice for the moment,
the one event
when the world
is yours alone.
The long performance
on a watched stage
- all the poor actors
on it.
The act
in preparation
for the continuing scenes
of the life theatre.
A new title given,
a renewed self applauded
for the long haul,
the past trials.
Worked hard
and practised for this moment,
the one day
when the world
will be yours alone.
The long progression
along the vast stage
- and each part
must be played.
The time
spent on one passage,
establishes the next
in a full cycle.
A start earned,
the next step begun
for an unknown expedition,
the journey.
Working hard
and practising for the moments,
the future
when the world
becomes yours alone.
06/07/04
June 2004 Convocation
WAITING
Time passes
like petals falling,
the slow decline
of rotting life.
Time wasting
as passing youth
with the breeze
lost in the drapes
- caught and trapped
in the gauzed over existence.
The limbo
of waiting
for the one arrival
that may never come.
Time passes
like sunlight drifting,
the mechanical movement
of days ending.
Time wasted
at the bottom
of empty bottles
idly sitting around
- still and alone
in a solitary existence.
The prison
of waiting
for the one thing,
the illusive desire.
06/13/04
accompanies a painting of the same name
NO TEARS
You get no tears
for the one night
you were mine
as now,
I see you
as hers.
The one night
when we were
or could have been
changed
by the gold band
that makes two
one.
The new gold
tarnishes the old,
assaults the moment
when love
grew.
No tears will fall
in mourning
for a future
that was never
mine
as the present
is given
away.
Some will throw rice,
some will make toasts,
but one
will never shed
her tears
for you.
06/22/04
KISS
The lingering touch
of powerful lips
over willing ones,
the full submission.
The sweet taste
of duelling tongues
is nothing more
than a haunting
memory.
Erotic dance
In heated breath;
of dreams
and fantasy,
speaking more
than words
but less than vows.
The remembered feel
of the moist, trailing
touch,
the remembrance
of rouge lust
in faded reality.
Swollen mouth
on a flushed face
are plaguing memories
left in the wake
of the shared tasting,
of the kiss.
07/09/04
TRUE LOVE
a message of best friends and lovers alike
The act of
letting go,
and allowing
times to change.
No distance between
the beating hearts
as miles of road
can stretch across,
as days advance
and faces change;
the feeling
only grows
becoming stronger.
Loving others
And taking chances
--but always having
a home.
The lost embraces
and forgotten mistakes
never threaten
the greatest bond.
Pain in watching
another step in,
but joy in knowing
your place is never filled.
The security
in having
the one constant,
the comfort
in being
the one true thing.
07/12/04
MARRIAGE
The band that bonds
matters not
whose hands
it intertwines,
only that
their hearts match
and make
the same promise.
Love is not coated
by pre-set limits,
but rainbowed
with the streaks
of life.
No law is higher
than the call
of a human heart,
no master stronger
than raw
emotions.
--If a rose of any name
is sweet,
love with any partner
is real:
The only body
not fit for marital bed
is the governmental,
marriage is forged
in love,
not limits.
07/13/04
This one may not be very good, but poetry is how I use my voice most of the time.
I had to say something
RAGING STORM
Lying
in an empty bed
listening to the thunder roar,
waiting for the rain
to explode;
wanting for the mind
to stop.
Lightning flashes
like forgotten movie stills;
illuminating the past,
highlighting
the mistakes.
Sparks of light
make shadows
in familiar places.
Lost in the dark
that was once
a refuge.
Will the rain
drown the future?
Will sunlight
ever return?
Will this bed
ever be filled?
Lying
in the storm
listening to life crash,
waiting for the pain
to dry up.
07/14/04
PRIMAL
A scream
in the night
desperately seeking
liberation, a declaration,
but on one
is there to hear,
to validate.
Frustration, rage
and tears
leak out,
pooling into
an aggravated mess.
But no one
is here to see,
to bare witness.
Crippling pain
of sobs,
darkest twist
in simple isolation,
but no one
is close to hold,
to save.
The scream
in the night
becomes silent.
07/23/04
ALONE
The feeling,
the existing
is clear
with no one
around
to hold,
to be held
while tears fall.
No phones ring,
no friends call,
the bed
is left empty
and cold.
The state,
the experience,
is clear
when no one
hears
the call,
the cry
when help is needed.
No wishes come,
no mourners weep,
this life
is left empty
and cold.
07/23/04
SKIN
I want out
of my skin
and to crawl
deep into yours
--warm and close,
safe.
Cowering from
the cold alone,
escaping
this bruised
and broken down
body
by curling up
into a new one.
Feeding off
the strength and beauty
that I only see
within you,
I only taste
from you.
I want to
curl up
within you,
enveloped in this
new skin,
this shared skin.
I want out
of me,
and into you.
07/24/04
WREAK
Torrent crashes
under the smallest winds;
The bough breaks
and baby falls,
all words fail
to cushion, to catch
when all needed
is opened embrace,
for saving’s grace.
One storm
follows another;
A chain reaction
set off
by one lonely moment
when no one
was there,
falling over, falling in
from one
last push.
One drop
starts the flood;
Unstoppable
like a broken dam,
once it starts
it rages,
raw force
of every broken promise
and empty night
drowns.
Tears fall
for the smallest reason;
The walls crumble
and resolve breaks,
can’t steer clear
no energy, no warning
for when
it comes crashing down.
08/02/04
NO FAIR
Trailed kisses
along tender flesh,
heat the skin
but body
remains locked.
Unable
to let go
while
trembling down.
Bundles of nerves
trapped
under this heated skin.
The touches and tastes
are not enough
to free the body
locked behind
the mind.
A heart locked,
a mind hazy
leaves the body
alone;
fighting against
trailed kisses
on an exposed soul.
08/02/04
ALLOWED
I am allowed to fall,
crashing
and ripping apart,
battered and
broken.
Given time off from holding
the world together.
I am allowed to feel,
beating
and breathing within,
living and
dying.
Expressing the crash
that overtakes.
I am allowed to cry,
rolling
and burning across,
raging and
silent.
Tears that wash
granting absolution of sin.
I am allowed to dream,
wishing
and guessing ahead,
lost and
finding.
Following the stars
that lead to fantasy.
I am allowed to fail,
missing
and lying together,
false and
true.
Pardoned for mistakes
seen only in day’s light.
I am allowed to be
human.
08/30/04
ABUSED
How could I
fall
when you won’t
catch me?
Only broken bones
and bruises
under this skin.
No one can see,
and no one can know;
You’d hurt me
like them,
he and she,
before you.
Giving you,
would lead,
would give you
the chance,
the permission
to follow in their
footsteps.
Shredded strength
and scars
hidden beneath the flesh.
Deep wounds
never closed,
only covered in thin veils.
Past builds fear,
breeds expected paranoia:
Exposed,
and vulnerable victim
caught again
if I fell
for you.
08/30/04
REAL
Slit my wrists
and I’ll bleed
perfection,
paint me up
and I’ll present
in your ideal;
but no image
can change
the deepest soul,
the hidden caverns
of being.
All wounds
will bleed
my own blood,
cheap and
rich and red.
Thick liquid copper,
no hidden gold,
staining.
All scars
will show
through thin powders,
deep and long
and real.
Dark gnarled lines,
no unmarred planes,
mapping.
Create me
in your image,
but cast no stones
for imperfections.
No paints
can change the canvas,
only cover,
No wants
can transform the inner,
only cast,
No ideals
can stop the cracks,
only clear.
Can’t hide secrets,
the truth,
under beautiful lies:
The real
will bleed through.
08/31/04
WHAT YOU SEE
I wish I could be
what you see,
the declarations
you whisper in my ear.
Lifting the labels
but placing
new weight on my shoulders.
How do you
live up to lovesick images?
How don’t you
get crushed under words?
Shed this skin
and clothe me in what you see;
Secrets and lies?
The pretty picture
you paint of me,
but all I see
is false images
in broken mirrors,
is disguised emotions
plastered in fake smiles.
I wish I could see
the same images
of me.
09/03/04
RESURRECTED
Torture that body till it bleeds
like my heart,
Was once a sport
to watch me fall,
now a new game
where you play victim.
You inflict no pain
when I attack your memory;
no more lies, no more images,
no more moments for you.
Will not run
for you have no reach,
I am gone.
Will not hide
for you have no eyes,
now I can see.
Will not cry
for you hold no power,
it is mine.
Will not die
For you hold no strength,
I have won.
Kick the dirt to cover,
like a dead love,
the corpse it has become.
09/05/04
UNTAINTED
Read me
all the fairytales you want,
they will never
hold up in heart:
there is no
untainted love
like two hearts
never joined,
but never separate.
Two souls that match
even if bodies
never mate.
The untainted
that surpasses fantasy
in its reality.
Pure admiration,
pure emotion
of the partners
never forged, never failing.
The two never crossing
to risk,
but pushing the line
that threatens to taint.
Untainted tales
where no one hero saves,
but two hold each other;
where no ending
can be final for them.
And in the reality
lays the fairytale.
09/05/04
MOTHER AND FATHER
One comes in
as one drifts out,
family in all other’s words.
He destroys me
as quickly as
he made me;
passing through this life.
Can only love
because of her,
rebuilding me
and replacing.
Taught and forced
lessons of life,
strength, distrust and defence.
Parents ment to protect
not prey on the child.
Who cleans the mess he made?
Who fixes the shattered ideals?
Who cares for this discarded doll?
Never daddy’s little girl
but a weekend hobby,
A rare regret
but a lifelong commitment.
The sins of the father
creates the sins of the daughter,
lack of love, respect
and trust.
Bridges built by mother
never fix the rift, but carry her over;
attempts at safe
and sound.
How does this skin shed?
How does the past move on?
How does it stop?
A quilt work,
of two sides and types,
creating this one mismatched pattern.
One stays
as one drifts away.
09/09/04
SPECIAL
I need to feel
that you would die
to touch me;
you’d give your being
to feel and to taste.
I need to know
there’s no one
above me;
that I’m special
in your eyes.
I need you to give
up everything for me;
and suffer
when I cannot for you.
I need you to love me
with all that there is,
before I can open
the slightest for you.
I need you to live
through all of my pain
because I really am
special.
09/10/09
ARE YOU HAPPY?
The answer
that only you
can seek;
Where no prophet
or phoney medium
can see,
the question
that lays
in your own soul.
Ask once
before moving on,
Ask twice
before settling in.
Can you look
to your life
and find that elusive smile?
Can you follow
along this path
and find the soaring dream?
Commercials
and pop songs
sell you the image;
but no store,
in no melody
will you find
the answer
hiding in your heart.
Ask once
after every kiss,
Ask twice
after the tears falls.
Can you expect
in them
to find the storybook ending?
Can you reach
for that moment
from where you’re standing?
Friends
and strangers
sell you the adage;
but in no one else,
in no others’ words
can you find
the answer
only you can give.
09/14/04
BLIND WATCHER
You want me
to be
far different
than what you see,
for the similarities
are too close
to bare.
In so many ways
I am
what you see;
How blind
the watcher can be.
The mistakes I make
are mine,
no false veils
hide what is beneath.
Self imposed labels
for easy reference,
and warning.
Hidden secrets
ment to stay,
as crosses to bare.
You want me
to be
far different
than what you see,
for what you see
is yourself
reflected in me.
09/17/04
DEFENCE OF POETRY
A message blurred
but clearer
than in any others’ words.
No caster of lies
between lines,
but weaver of truths
that no one can see.
Labelled as
pretty lines, petty words
making false worlds
--Sheds light
on fantasy
to show reality.
Realise the world
that no one else sees,
believes,
Says more
than others
are afraid to;
free voice,
powerful pen.
Cast lies?
Spin truths.
All dangerous love tales?
The voice
when no one else
will stand up.
Before dismissed
as pointless drivel
think
who speaks
when you can’t find words?
09/22/04
LOST
A life forced
into limbo-
stuck in a present
reliving the past.
A slow moving
picture show
or frozen frame
of someone else’s movie.
At what point
does a life stop
as time ticks on?
What reason
brings on the punishment
of stilled existence?
How does one
get lost
in their own life;
miss a step
and fall through the cracks?
Lose the map,
no offered transportation.
Missing all sense of direction
and reason
for travelling at all.
Early twenties
and life stalled,
left adrift
with no future.
Pretty paper
hung on a wall
opens no doors
and lights no path.
Simply left
at the side of life’s road,
the left-over debris
and useless relics
of what could have been.
Lost in images
and overused metaphors,
weak similes.
How does one
get lost in life
before it even starts?
10/06/04
STATISTIC
Numbers dictate life;
just another point
in someone else’s project,
just the proof
of someone’s new theory.
Because the father left
she’ll take her own life;
the news tells it.
Without a two-tier family
I am unbalanced;
the numbers spell it out.
Studies prove
why I’m a slut
who cannot be touched.
The victim, survivor
foretells the future –
no life lived
but a study proved.
No pain is real;
they all feel that.
No experience new;
they all do that.
Abandoned, raped, single
all prove the same thing;
the study shows.
the reports indicate,
the numbers tally
and girl disappears.
How is what I do
and feel
boiled down
to an inhuman number’s game?
What else of me
is just your statistic?
10/07/04
BIRTHDAY
The older I turn
the clearer it becomes,
the more alone I am.
Trying to throw money at it
never makes it better
only makes her colder.
Who ever said
money gauges love?
New lessons
from old wounds;
Years pass
and still nothing changes,
it’s just a darker
and deeper reality.
They call it
growing up
but it’s now
slowly dying.
Melodramatic and melancholy
learning years are gone,
and chances are missed.
Harder to smile
and easier to fall.
Look back
at times of less responsibility;
a nostalgia,
a longing for innocent youth –
pink frosting
and sleepovers
over empty kisses
and mortality.
Each candle blown out
reminds of
the passage of time,
of friends and lovers.
The clearer it all becomes,
the older I get.
10/19/04
SEARCHING
Seeking
the long lost comfort
in a stranger’s embrace,
their fast
heated kiss
and groping touch.
That deadly searching
for self-worth
in someone else’s affection.
A night ritual,
like religious rite,
the searching
for one to validate the other.
Want someone
to ground me,
to make it real
while all is false.
Have a stranger
hold you and tell you
everything is fine,
judgement is passed
at first glance
and ruling in the name of lust.
Searching for worth
at face value.
Beauty queen
for an hour,
fantasy lived
before falling into obscurity.
Searching for that one
prince’s touch
or frog’s kiss
to make this
simple girl feel anything
and believe it’s true.
10/20/04
THE IDEA OF YOU
Dark and lonely,
crazy night thoughts
run through my head;
I think I
miss you,
or is it
the idea of you?
I once
loved you
or at least
could have,
in my own way.
New memories,
the fantasy ideas;
arms to hold me
while waiting for sleep,
whispering lips
telling me lullabies.
Haunting conclusions,
empty time passed;
I think I
love you,
or is that
the idea of you?
False memories,
the remembered past;
sweet lies
of accepting sins,
sharp bites
marking me with lust.
What was real,
which was you
and what
the idea?
Has reality
ever touched us,
or has it been
all false ideals
or our thoughts?
10/23/04
INK & PAPER
Here is my soul
spilled out
in paper and ink,
open to interpretation
and even
false readings.
Clear as day
and still a mystery.
Conversations held
with those
I cannot reach,
all feelings expressed
in ways
I cannot show.
My inner soul
is etched
on paper for you
to read,
but can you
ever understand?
Many
are blood and flesh,
their story
printed on the skin,
I fall into
ink and paper,
tangible and forgotten.
My soul
is an art
long passed over,
a form long lost
in the synthetic world.
Paper and ink
lost
in metals and false plastics,
a girl
lost
in twists and false realities.
10/28/04
AGAIN, NEVER
No man
will touch me
with that fisted hand
again.
Use all my power,
surge all my energy
in never falling victim
again.
You can try,
but you cannot
break me,
never again
will I let you
win.
Once,
and now twice,
is too many
to live through
again.
Work so hard
to build that shelter
only to be crushed
and violated
again.
A new one tried,
but could not
stop me,
never again
will I be
the victim.
Stared into
the blazing eyes
of that monster
again.
Felt the hands
of first attacker
on me,
forcing me
again.
Scream at me,
twist my arm,
never again
will I let
myself be weak.
Lesson learned
at age fourteen
revisited
again.
No angry hands
will touch me
again, never.
10/31/04
PURPLE AND YELLOW
The sick
purple and yellow
stains my skin,
but no one
can see this one,
but me.
The other’s are there,
they area all visible
but will heal
and slowly fade.
My face
is forever marked,
my life
is forever tainted.
Do I wear it
as a wound
or badge of honour?
The sore spot
a reminder
of my convictions,
the bruised flesh
a visual
they all deny.
That sick
purple and yellow
will stain me.
11/02/04
NO WEAKER
Curled up
crying, scared
lets the weak girl
show.
Her fear, her pain
played out
on her flushed
and tear stained face.
She fears now
the angry grasp
that touched her skin,
her soul.
The tighter she curls
the weaker she feels,
but a lesson is learned;
no one who stands up
is as weak
as the one who stays on.
She has the power,
she found the strength
to say no
and fight back.
No one can break you
if you believe.
She’s no self-righteous superhero,
no great defender;
she doesn’t see her strength,
she couldn’t protect herself.
But curled up tightly,
holding herself,
she is not weaker,
she’s stronger.
11/02/04
WORLD LOST
Promise of change
and the world
stays the same,
spins backward violently.
The uproar of protest
was silent screams
into the night,
gone unheard
and easily ignored.
How can we not
just give up,
curl up and disappear
like they all seem
to want.
The world lost
and the fools won –
greedy, white male power.
President elect;
permission to kill
given by the people for the people.
Only people
with proper values
and narrow minds –
not the ones
who suffer and die.
Is it a choice
when one quits
and no one counts?
Repeating the past,
no lessons learned.
So much was lost
in twenty four hours,
the world has lost.
11/04/04
CAN’T
I’m lost
and confused
or maybe
I just don’t know
how to be loved;
A broken shell
of human condition,
a modern freak show.
How does a girl
not know how
to respond?
Lust is easy
it’s that other
four letter word
--the one of pop songs
and poetry.
Lust is raw,
it’s take.
How does one
give freely and open
when robbed?
A delicate balance
I cannot reach,
How do you
teach the broken
to love?
How do you
teach the scared
to try and reach?
It is lesson,
or born skill?
One more virtue
I don’t posses,
or is that
can’t?
11/18/04
WOMAN
Flesh and blood
and scars all over.
Live the image
or breath reality?
What bits
and broken pieces
did you use
to build me?
A new creation
or some living dream
--maybe darkest fantasy’s nightmare.
Child or lover,
sister maybe mother;
the role you cast
from characters of time.
Flesh and blood
And bruises inside.
Is it better
to be loved once
forever
or by many
for all time?
Virgin-Whore;
modern lives judged
in stone aged values.
Choice is mine,
or always yours?
Love them, leave them,
breed them, break them.
Flesh and blood
under many labels,
over all time;
prized possession
or financial burden?
Fought for footing
of shared ground,
kicking and screaming
in our silent wars
of bloodied back allies
and trauma wards,
to be seen, called
flesh and blood
and human.
11/18/04
HER
Her body
soft and sweet;
but strong enough
to shelter
against the demons,
even the few
that her body awakens.
To love her,
to lust after
is feeding the demon,
bringing up its existence.
Her lips
must be soft and sweet;
firm enough
to tease
and please the novice,
calm this new
realised and accepted demon.
No demon,
an angel
the want
and need of her.
Her heart
is soft and sweet;
is tough enough
to hold up
and hold on
for survival,
open up for a chance
but lock down
in defence.
To love her
is to need her,
go beyond lust
and be her.
12/01/04
BOUGHT AND PAID FOR
Men will spend money
lavish objects, processions
for moments of my time
--what hidden gem
or new found worth
do they see?
Lover and fathers and lusters
all trade money for time
of the newaged whore.
Made shiny
in their eyes,
like some human prize;
what worth is found,
do they imagine?
I’m bought and paid for,
never loved
nor adored.
Claimed princess and sweety and baby girl
just some object
they fluff up with dollars and bills,
But me for a night
or maybe a lifetime;
a sick little lesson,
a little girl’s illusion,
that the money he spends
substitutes for the love never found.
How quickly wallets open
to bring her in
--why do they believe
their money will keep her?
It breaks it, soils her
the barroom whore;
fall into arms
when they offer her nothing.
An honest lust
beats their Capitalist love.
To change money for sex
would be so much more honest.
12/01/04
TURN ABOUT
Turn about is fair play;
feel safe
in his strong arms
but loose it
as soon as it’s found.
Fate getting even
for past games played.
Never ment to hurt them,
never realised their pain
--all honest remarks
but why punish
the one blissful touch?
All were happy,
never once uttered complaint,
but now it seems
all is turned around:
Is all fair
in love and war?
They find revenge
as I fall,
face first and fooled.
Should count the blessings,
in that one night,
--where the kisses
and embraces were mine--
as I’ve told them
that came before.
The ironic twist
of the sinner
wanting to turn saint.
12/07/04
WINTER NIGHTS
Crawl into bed,
under the warmth
of plush covers,
but it remains
as lonely as life.
Waiting;
For the calls
that will never come.
On dreams
that will never fulfil.
Wanting;
That warm
and covering embrace.
That bright
morning horizon.
The chilled wind
blows in
the cold and lonely
winter nights,
spent watching for
the spring thaw,
and hoping for
the change of season.
12/10/04
COMES AROUND
We all get
what we deserve;
sitting alone
scared, saddened
and secluded.
Repeating
all past sins.
Where would
The cycle end
if forced
into the same practise?
They’ve done it
to me,
so I’ve
returned their favours
only to have it
come back around.
By being
what they made me
does it mean
I deserve their punishment,
their turn of fate?
What goes around
comes around,
is what they claim
--find comfort in
them getting theirs.
12/10/04
THE FALLEN WOMAN
His hand slides in,
and she falls:
“It’s not cheating, right.”
His mouth assaults her,
but his words
mark her,
brand her.
A scarlet A
written in kisses
and lust’s bite.
His hips move,
she pushes away:
“…I know how to share…”
His fingers touch her,
but his words
mock her,
break her.
The dirty shame
washes over skin
like a lover’s blush.
His body speaks,
she stops:
“I won’t tell anyone.”
His weight crushes her,
but his words
cut her,
kill her.
A girl’s guilt
achieved by
the social grace.
His flesh leaves
and she’s fallen.
12/23/04
CHRISTMAS PRESENT
Presents and gifts
in bright coloured bows
just another way
to buy me,
while avoiding
their great guilt.
Wide eyed awe
and sparkling delight
are long out grown:
she sees it,
in raw honesty,
a john buying his girl.
When did
Shiny wrapped packages
substitute someone’s affection,
when did
ribbons and bows bind someone?
Once,
daddy’s spoiled little girl,
now soiled grown child.
The bigger the gift
the dirtier she feels.
Doesn’t love her,
buys her things,
buys her.
Their presents and gifts
in bright coloured bows
like a freshly painted courtesan,
without the frills.
12/23/04
Untitled
All a reflection:
Comes off
cold and indifferent,
unfeeling or unreal.
Only I cry alone
and bleed on the inside.
Hide to protect,
fight to control.
Frigid and distant,
no, just locked
and mentally blocked.
Scared and alone;
too many walls
threaten to crash down,
leave me exposed
and too vulnerable to survive.
Laugh it off;
not cold hearted –
too afraid
to be weak.
Hardened sensitivity
for showing raw nerves
only gives you
ammunition against me.
Not strong enough
to fall apart.
Cry alone
and bleed on the inside,
safe behind
emotions’ brick wall.
12/28/04
UNDER THIS SKIN
A mix of fresh scratches
and old scars
in a patchwork
of other people’s lies.
Crippling self doubt
and long fed self hatred,
the seven deadly sins
and more.
Mental images
from television screens,
their stencils no one fits.
Broken hearts
with false promises,
embellished truths
or raw fantasies?
The cold nights
of haunting memories,
ghosts of the present
as friendly as the past.
Fingerprints of every soul
that’s ever touched skin;
love, lust, loath and levy.
Comments, quotes and whispers
echoing through
and loud screams.
Rainbows of light and dark
playing hide and seek.
Wishes and dreams
too scared to reach for,
too foolish to let go.
Missed opportunities and lost chances,
the new regrets.
Painful mistakes
matched with happy accidents.
Many questions
without their answers.
Broken bruises
from falling too often,
sacred scrapes
from crawling back up.
Imperfection
deep and ugly,
shallow and pretty,
pride and shame.
They make me up,
these horrors that lay,
under this skin.
12/28/04