A Year of Poetry by Amanda Paweska


NEW YEAR’S
Some things
never change
a new year
drifts in
and the
old ways
still cling
lied to
and passed over
then used
for salvation
end up
hurting
without being given
the cure
self-loathing
attacks
all confidences
ending up
alone
on the pavement
But thankfully
one hand
still reached

01/02/03




MY FRIEND
Uplifting me
with the
simplest gestures
That playful
Smile
matched with
innuendo
The sweetest
side
always shared
with an
extra edge
Our friendship
confessed
A hand offered
to lift me
brings me
crashing down
to my knees.

01/02/03




SAD DAY
sitting alone
in the
centre of this room
head hung
as the
tears stream down
no one sings
along to
the radio’s favourite song
just the noise
of this
solitary silence
twisted pain
by the
emotional strain
life is still
since
no one’s here
the loser again
in the
game never played
numb the ache
with any
liquid or pill escape
wish for sleep
that will
never end
just another
Sad day

01/03/03




WHY DO I
why do I
have to
fix everyone else
they cry
on my shoulders
come to me
for advice
but always
leave me
alone
to fix myself
alone
to put together
my pieces
why do I
have to be
the strong one
the one
to hold it
all together
not allowed
to fall
apart
why do I
always listen
and rebuild them
while I
do it
alone

01/04/03




WOMAN WRITER
Pained
by words
and overworking
of the mind,
this is my
destiny.
Flirting
with madness
and delving
into darkness.
Heredity,
because of sex
or role
as writer?
Torture
exchanged for
talent,
like ink
forced to paper.
Questioning fate
for my right,
join the past
-Woolf and Mew
or clear a path?

01/09/03




TO THE STARS
laying alone
in the
night
content
in the stillness
and lack
of heat
nameless bodies
grace these
sheets
no words
spoken
so no vows
broken
just a marriage
to the stars

01/13/03




OF THE STARS
A bond
beyond now:
A marriage
of the
stars.
Devoted
to see
the glow
and leading light.
Connection from
finger to soul,
heart to mind,
body separated.
Alone at night
but illuminated
by a new bond,
the bond
of the stars.

01/16/03




STONE WALL
I have
a guard
that cannot
drop
the wall around me
grows
thicker and higher
trapping
me inside
safe
but alone
afraid
but not for
my body,
my sanity
protected
and tested
behind
the stone wall

01/16/03




APOLOGY
You were
a decision
hastily made
to lessen
the fear
of alone.
The pain
I caused
ment to
lessen mine.
The selfish call
made –
a regretted action.
Apology given
for using you
like all
use me

01/23/03




THE LIE
In one moment
gave me power
then stripped
of it
Offer of self
for total
submission
of body
Raped me
with words
much stronger
then physical force
Your mind fuck
slams my heart
and head
to the wall
Violent flashes
of love
--the lie
to justify

01/23/03.




LIFE
Live, breath and
be it
Experience
all the twists
and turns
Fly above
and crash
below.
Start when you
cry,
never stop
until you die.
Let love trickle
off your lips
covering all
finger tips.
Have pain wash
from the soles
of your feet
by tears that streak.
Passion, lust
and sorrow
the very core
to devour.
Live, breath and
be it.

01/26/03



PILLS
Make the pain
Fade away
Create a world
In a haze
Colours swirl
And voices mix
All in one
Puck shaped fix
Emotions stalled
And released
From the swallowing
Of these tricks
Put so high
Then
------Crashing
---------------Down
Fallen to the floor
Pain creeping back
Forced to reach
For another


01/27/03




MISS HIM NOW
Miss him now,
no matter how
much protested.
That absent tug
at heart strings.
The loser again
who never knew
she was playing
in that game.
Can’t slay his demons,
shoulders too weak
to bare his burden,
crushed underneath
this weight.
Better off now,
the freedom returned
to finally move
and breath.
Was never worth
her strain
or the time wasted.
Knowing this
and much more still,
she suffers
from the haunting voices
miss him now.

01/27/03




QUARTER LIFE CRISIS
The past does not fit
and the future
is unknown
Grasping to those
faces and touches
from before
Afraid to reach
for those to come

What if I slip?
What if I fall?

This new ground
is shaky
my steps
are unsure
These people
are new
and their words
are all switched

Who will catch me?
Who will be here?

Inner shifts showing
on the surface
Time has its effects
by altering this girl
Not changing
to fit
but changing
to be

Am I that different?
Am I still me?

The attitude is lifted
and the weight with it
Now the path
is marked out
the next
and only step
is to just keep
walking on through

02/13/03



THAT STRENGTH
I wish I had the power,
that strength;
to allow myself to fall.
Let myself fall into love again.
Brush off all the pain and fear,
leave behind the guarded cage,
and the enormous brick wall.
Let myself be free.
Be free enough to crawl to you,
give myself the power to depend.
That strength;
the one that opens mind, body and heart,
that strength;
that disarms my soul.
Take off the chains
and fold into your arms.
Unlock the desire for you,
let the feelings be expressed and experienced.
Take the power from the past,
that strength;
it instils faith back in love,
allowing emotions to range.
That strength;
to climb out of the guilded trap.
That strength;
oh, how I wish I could have
that strength.

02/27/03




QUESTIONS IN FROZEN WATER
The tiny crystals of ice
fall in a spiral,
the tears roll down
streaking the cold cheeks.
The beautiful pain
in watching both,
is inspiration to poets
and pop songs alike.
Simple gestures of life
each in their artful creation:
The form that drops down flesh
and clings to window’s pane.
What force behind them
offers this divine cleansing
and that skilful damning?
And always freeing what is beyond words.
The clusters of water propose no answer,
the flowing form gives no reply.
Both just silently falling,
trails on glass and plane.

03/06/03




SNAP
Snapped.
One break and go
tumbling over,
the dark twists,
and jagged turns.
The break in mind;
mental snap –
laughing fall.
Shifting from sadness,
the pain that burrows deep;
tear, laughs and screams.
Twisted existence
from the maddening sound;
crack the internal surface,
split the sane core.
The sign of genius?
The clue of evil?
The cry for help?
Separation from their reality,
trapped in falseness
and free from it.
Throbbing pressures crack,
the gentle case of sanity shatters.
Snap.

03/31/03



WAVE OF TEARS
Welcome the wave of tears,
the drops that cleanse.
Sadness, madness
leak through eyes,
escape the twisted pain.
Purifying exorcism
of hysteric cries.
The free falling,
allow emotions in,
repair the rife,
save the broken soul.

Welcome the wave of tears,
the water that engulfs.
Sadness, madness,
drown in salty seas,
wash away shed blood.
Majestic freedom
of entertained death.
The opened rush,
flood of feelings,
split the mind,
submerge the lost soul.

03/31/03




USED LIES
How do I miss him
through all this
shadowed space?
His lies, an illusion
of deeper intimacy
and true affections.
He used. The falsity
to devour mind
and rob of time.
How do I miss him
in this shaded
empty bed?
My lies, the denial
of real emotions
and fallen heart.
I used. A replacement
in the lonely place
and filler of twilight.
How do I miss him
the false idle between
dark and light?
Our lies, a deception
between minds
and ultimate lip service.
We used. The fulfilment
of broken beings
and missed others.
How do I miss the delusion?

05/22/03




CYNICAL TRUTHS
The fantasy of love,
The illusion of amoure
The images that weigh my brain
and break my heart.
False hopes of souls matched
when bodies intertwine –
Knowledge that only
the carcass leaves quenched.
No strong hands are there
to soothe weeping eyes
or arms to support ecstasy’s fall.
All a massive lie
for the selling of girls’ souls.
Using of body
to control the mind –
an easily accomplished task
in romantic delusions.
The truths of a cynic
learned far too early on;
like a fading mirage
before the young girl’s eyes.
Innocence shattered and stripped
by midnight screams
and delicate skin is scarred.
Truths revealed at fourteen;
create the cynic before her time.
Where reality’s incubus replaces
youth’s sweetly illusions
and my heart and mind break.

05/23/03




UNCROSSED
The invisible line
drawn between being good
or becoming bad
--the line uncrossed
to pleasure.
Hands caressing
tightened flesh
and breathless whispers
blur the distinction.
Making false vows
with heated lips
matched by force
of the willing hips.
Their demons stand
along side my doubts
to be slayed for attraction.
Brought to the edge
then placed on a pedestal
--untouchable?
Unfuckable by these men.
Chanting of wants
and carnal desires
but still their line
remains uncrossed.
Fear of corruption
against their innocent blonde,
grasping to restraint
like holy men to faith.
But their hands –
Sweet tortures of touch
leave the girl
writhing on the uncrossed line.

05/26/03




I WISH
I wish to press your lips
to mine; to feel
the soft flesh, the warmth
travelling through me.
I want to taste you.

I wish to touch your body
with mine; with fingertips
caressing skin, the sensation
covering every inch of me.
I want to feel you.

I wish to see your face
under mine; to bask
in lusty eyes, the intensity
taking over my mind.
I want to behold you.

I wish to have you
in me; to experience
your hard flesh, the heat
buried between thighs.
I want to take you.

I wish to dominate your flesh
like mine; to overcome
your hold on me, the torture
inflicted on mind and body.
I want to break free from you.

I wish you gone
from me; to banish
the remembered handling, the pain
slowly killing me.
I want to forget you.

05/26/03




BEING DEAD
When did I die?
What was the day I stopped breathing –
I don’t remember the veil’s drop
or the rain of fisted dirt.
But here I lie,
numb and cold as death,
listening to the whispers of a dead man’s lips.
When did I die?
What made me stop believing –
Never been to heaven
or felt the burn from hell.
But I am here,
the empty body rotting,
suffering in the pain of mortal Purgatory.

When did my heart die?
What moment did I stop feeling –
I remember the tears falling,
the rain of salted drops.
But the face is slipping,
segregation of flesh from bone,
torturing that weakened spirit.
When did my heart die?
What changed so I stopped being –
Unable to feel
that core has cracked and peeled.
But I am scared to feel,
fate worse then death,
threatening to break and fall.

When did this girl die?
What stopped her emotions –

06/12/03




THE BEAUTIFUL PAIN
The beautiful pain;
Chest clenched
And tears rolling.
The pull of love
left never expressed,
The lover
who’s body
I will never touch,
but who’s being
had touched
my inner self.

The beautiful pain;
Heart squeezing
and mind spun.
The sting of existence
finally realised.
The reminder
of the reality
that he can’t deny,
but the message
he learned
was the key.

The beautiful pain;
Emotions felt
and breath expelled.
The cycle of life
continues the gyre.

07/9/03




HATE
Hate the broken
images; splinters
of a face painted
-- dolled up
in a hope
of being sold
like other cheap tricks.
Hate the play
of shattered dreams
in the fractured mind.
-- illusions
and questions
dancing on the
blackened walls
like a Platonic revelation.
Hate this bloated body,
the shrewd shell
of flesh and bone
and scars,
that traps
the gnarled being of doubt
like a vicious clawed cage.
Hate the shrill reflection
that stares back
with lost eyes
and a pouted mouth
-- the sad little girl
of twisted tales.
I hate
myself.

08/05/03




DANCE OF THE MACABRE
A kiss from the cold steel
on the sweat soaked skin
--the dance begins.
The prayer for release
sent out as a scream,
only to be answered
by an image in a dream.

Caress of blades
send a tingle of death
from the menacing sound
of gritty playtime.
The delicate gouges
along tender flesh:
the deeper the mark
the deeper the bliss.

Reality and fantasy blur
by the sharp sting of pain
--matched an orgasmic flash
of the wanton slaughter.
A twisted scene
of lust gone awry;
tangle of dismembered limbs
on the spilled scarlet of satin sheets
--the dancers fall.

08/23/03




IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER
The sweet embrace
linked with parental care
dragged over a sinister line.
No blood relation,
or matrimonial link,
but rather a secure shoulder
for a stupid girl –
A father figured
from another’s begetter.

A kind welcome
deformed in tender touches.
A hug exploited
to clutch and trap and use.
Lips forced against lips,
the innocent flesh tainted,
a carnal pulse befriended.
The daughter by name,
but a girl none the less.

Manipulation of mind,
as strong arms encase, hold:
Question the role of father.
Tears of frustrated confusion
wash the dirtied darling.
Controversial attachment
to that favourite grown girl.
All in the name
of the father.

10/12/03




AUTUMN
The blood dipped leaves
hang; their life
slowly dripping away
as the earth begins
to die. New rebirth
grasped by frosted hands,
slaughtered. The mother’s womb
barren by time’s endless cycle
ended. The ominous rustle,
a death rattle.
Silent screams for life
call out.
The naked, brittle skeletons
reach out.
Vivid, breathing colours
fade out.
The world falls
into dreamless sleep.
Autumn over takes the city.

10/16/03




SPEAKING PICTURES
Your words consume me:
Speaking pictures
hold a mirror to my face;
bring to light the demon
hiding in the dark.
Accusations pull me out
and force me to feel.
-- The words that push
to the edge.

Your voice consumes me:
Speaking pictures
put the thoughts in my head;
free that demon
to rage in the open.
Accusations pull me out
and force me to see.
-- The words that hang
at the edge.

Your image consume me:
Speaking pictures
whisper the desires in my ear;
feed the savage demon
so it shall live.
Accusations pull me out
and force me to act.
-- The words that drop
over the edge.

You consume me:
Speaking pictures
hold the truth to my heart;
embrace the demon
changing it into existence.
Accusations pull me out
and force me to be.
-- The words that are
the edge.

10/16/03




OF YOU
The past is a ghost
that will not die,
the haunting reminder
of you.
It calls out
in the deep dark of night;
the warm breeze
caressing chilled sheets,
reaching out
for me.
The soul bleeds
through unshed tears,
crying out
for you.
The sky opens up
to engulf the girl;
the little lost child
weeping scarlet tears,
screaming out
for you.
The past is a ghost
that never can be found;
all just a memory
of mine.

10/30/03




BROKEN
Broken vows—
Another woman’s man
lays across my bed.
My own cross to bare,
the scarlet A
pinned to my flushed breast
by his shaking hand.

Broken promises—
The anxious struggles
of lust filled nights.
My lonely days spent
longing for a mouth;
the wordless declaration
of a shared, feral desire
written on heated flesh
by his soft lips.

Broken hearts—
Delusional kisses
cover my soft neck.
My own guilded cage;
the fulfilment of carnal need
now wrapped in solitude
by his silent sheets.

Broken lives—
A twisted dance
of personal intimacy.
My deserved burn
by electric change exchanged;
no other’s cool sensation
can spark the inner flame.
None can compare
to his ideal image.
Broken—

10/30/03




BY THE MEMORY
As I close the book
on you, you
turn the page.
A chapter of life
long finished, revisited.
The rereading
of you
like opening a wound.
-- left to heal
but infected
by the memory, by you.

The picture fades
of you, you
reappear in colour.
An image of a face
long forgotten, returns.
The vision
of you
like going blind.
--beauteous sight
burned out
by the memory, by you.

The name lost
of you, you
restate the words.
A gasp of a voice
long silenced, repeats.
The sound
of you
like going deaf.
--opposed cries
now muted
by the memory, by you.

As I forget all
about you, you
come back.
A feeling of love
long dead, resurrects.
The encounter
of you
like the ultimate end.
--a heart beating
now stopped
by the memory, by you.

11/06/03




STILL I CRY
I never had you
I never touched you,
but still I cry.
I mourn a man
whose body evaded me.

I never captured you
I never reached you,
but still I cry.
I weep for the man
whose being passed me.

but I need you
and I miss you.

You always had me
you always touched me,
but still I cry.
I mourn a man
who never knew me.

You always capture me
you always reach me,
but still I cry.
I weep for the man
who’ll never know it.

but I love you
and I miss you
and still, I cry.

12/09/03




UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
Your hands on my body
never as cruel
as your voice in my ear.
That silver tongue
used to tease and trick
and lie.
Which to believe
the touch or tell?
Each one screaming
A different message
--conflicting testimony.

Hot then cold
your interest turns.
The pain of your attention
desired and hated;
all that I thrive on.
Mind games
of glare and gaze,
fighting of head over heart.
Why pull me close
to push me away?
--motive unknown.

Memories of the past
recreate the scene
and warm the nights.
What was your meaning
with your words, your call?
The years revisited
all the hints are pieces
in an unsolvable puzzle.
But only crumbs given
to lead me on forever.
--evidence of the crime.

12/10/03




SET ADRIFT
Set adrift
in the
endless sea of words;
Left to drown
by the
brainless few;
Ignorant comments
steal the
lifesaving hope.
Their cheap tricks
used to
pull me under,
Slowly killing me
all while
saving themselves.
A fragile sacrifice
made for
their saving grace.
Not the martyr
just a girl,
set adrift.

12/11/03




WORDS FAIL ME
The nights are silent,
the words fail me.

All I can do
is stare at her;
the bright light
in my darkness,
the truth
in my lies.

The days are long,
the words fail me.

It’s all I can do
not to touch her;
her skin ignites me
in a flame I must ignore.
But my actions
They betray me.

The years pass by,
the words fail me.

The distance between us
breaks me;
her smile slips
and I made it fall.
The darkness spreads,
the lies win.

The time’s too late,
but the words fail me.

12/23/03




WANT AND TAKE
I want
everything you can’t give;
the love and time
of warm protection,
that simple something
of pain’s protection.

You want
everything I can’t give;
the safe spot nestled
between my thighs,
the home of
honey dripped lies.

I take
the thing you give;
the games of bodies:
hands and tongues searching,
carnal fights
of having and reaching.

You take
the thing I give;
the naïve affection
of a willing girl,
the offering of heart
all free to your whirl.

I wanted
-you took.
You wanted
-I took.

12/31/03