Latest Opinions(Rants): Wed, May 28 2003 - 3:05 AM by: Lunchbox

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Merry Jesus Christ-mas! today, bitch... by: vINtZ

There isn’t anything wrong with making Christmas a religious thing. I’m sure that in some remote parts of the world, it still happens. I know that at least as long as I have lived, it’s been about the presents, the giving, the family, and about friends. Not to mention getting a little tipsy from my uncles special eggnog a la rum. Yesterday I overheard someone refer to Mother Mary as “the only mother with her cherry intact.” Even I was shocked. You may not think me religious, but some things are holy, even to me.

Now I’ve seen the list of people that are coming over for dinner on the 25th of the month; Jesus isn’t on there. I’m not saying that he isn’t welcome, being a holy saviour and all, it’s just that the last time he was invited, he dipped into the wine and things got a little ugly. Okay, fine. Jesus Christ has never come for dinner at my place. But if he did, he’d be welcome… as long as he brought presents.

And I wonder if the birth of Christ had anything to do with shopping. I can picture the three wise men riding their camels through the desert looking for parking spots at the local shopping mall. They all go shopping for a present for J.C. and one of them starts a fantastic tradition. He buys presents and such for his family first and when it came time to buy for little J, he was broke. So this, I have assumed, must have been the father of the little drummer boy. “Shit,” he thought. “I don’t have any flow to get that little guy a present… Drummer Boy! I’ll send my son, Drummer Boy to play for him! Who’s the wise man now??”

As you may be able to tell, this wise man is truly the one who started the tradition of Christmas without Christ. But I don’t give him props just yet. He also started something even more devious and dangerous and terrible than the omission of our lord and saviour, Jesus Christ-- Christmas shopping.

Let’s be honest, is there anything in the world that is worse than having to literally fight your way through a crowded mall? Old women who are just trying to make their grandchildren happy are asking for an ass kicking. Happy families are wandering the mall with no other purpose but to get in your way. I really don’t want to take out your father’s kneecaps, so tell him to get out of my fucking way. Is this the Christmas spirit at all? Does this really have anything to do with the holiday? Unless you’re buying presents for the families that you’ve offended in the mall, I can’t see it.

Yesterday I was in the mall and as I was walking out of a store (and yes I was careful), some old lady hit me with her cart. To make things more appropriate, she was a bitch from Wal-Mart where the carts are made strong enough to break through barricades. That’s some good cake, did you want the icing? She looks at me as if I just spit in her face and says, “What is your problem? Get out of my way!” I looked at her as if she had truly offended me and replied very slowly so that her old ears and time-ravaged mind would capture my intent.

“YOU just hit ME with your shopping cart, you cow. Maybe you should watch where you’re going next time.” I then smiled at her shocked face and said, “Merry Christmas!” The surrounding public had a pretty good chuckle and the calm conversation the lady and it had kept me from hitting her with an elbow drop, ironically, from the top of her cart.

But don’t get me wrong, I really don’t like people much. And, believe it or not, there isn’t a time of year that I like more than this one. I know that with these last two comments you’re probably blown away, so I’ll leave you with this. Happy Holidays and good will to all men, women, and children.

-vintz out.
Just don't rape my mailbox.

Are things getting worse? Sunday December 14 2003 - 4:41 PM by: Lawrence

Are Things Getting Worse? By Lawrence Cameron

So on my daily commutes to work I am becoming more and more annoyed. I’m seeing an increasing number of bicycles on the roads these days and I have to stop and ask myself how dumb some people really are. When the temperature is far enough below zero where in order to ride a fucking bike to work or wherever it is these dumb-asses go that you have to dress like a fucking Storm Trooper to do so then maybe riding a bike isn’t the best of ideas. Hey asshole, it’s called a bus pass! It’s bad enough that I have to deek around an increasing number of cyclists in the summer, but in the winter it’s just too much.

I feel the need to explain myself here. It’s hard to get traction in a car on icy streets let alone on a bike. Have you ever tried to ride a bike in the winter? You have almost no traction. And without traction, you have less balance. See where I’m getting at here? One wipe out in the wrong direction and these guys can get run over faster than some poor ass bitch trying to buy a “so cheap finally us white trash brain dead idiots can afford one” DVD player at Walmart.

Now I’m sure that the people who are doing this sort of stuff can try to justify it in some way. Like maybe they can’t afford a bus pass. Or they think that by riding a bike they’re doing their part to “save Mother Earth.” Well fuck them. Get a new job that pays you better and the Earth is going to shit anyway. You may as well enjoy it while you can. On a side note, why is it that my generation has to save Mother Earth anyway? She’s been getting gang raped for ages and all of a sudden it’s up to me to break it up and say “Hey guys, come on. Fuck her gently.” And the Earth will still be here at least until the day I die. And after that I stop giving a shit, OK?

It’s just another example of stupid people doing something that makes the rest of us shake our collective heads and wonder how far along the evolutionary ladder some of us have really come with. Like when I see billboards telling you to “never shake your baby” and “Do Not Drink” warnings on the sides of bleach bottles. Seriously, some people have to be told this stuff? How about when fat people sue car manufacturers because their fat asses can’t fit in the front seat of a car? Next they’ll sue because they can’t see the steering wheel over their five chins. And while normal people are busy reconfiguring their car designs so these societal wastes can wedge themselves into a car seat why don’t we fill the airbags with chocolate too so that these people can snack their way out of the car after an accident too?

Unfortunately, there are a lot of stupid people in the world and I’m beginning to believe that somewhere along the line someone took a giant dump in the gene pool. Maybe Douglas Adams had it right when he theorized in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy that we are all really all just the offspring of a group of morons who crash landed on Earth. But the world capital of stupidity is the United States. This is a country where people can sue far too readily for shit that will make your head ache for days if you think about it too hard. And sometimes you hear people ask “What would our founding fathers be doing if they were alive today?” I got the answer for ya. Clawing at the lids of their coffins, that’s what. Anyway, it comes down to be a lack of personal responsibility. We have to stop rewarding other people dumb antics and assuming that they don’t know any better. Force them to accept the consequences. Or it will be the death of us all.

Dear Bill 3-december-2003 by: vINtZ

Well folks, today is a complete matter of opinion. If you do not agree with me, send me an email and we can discuss the mistakes you have made in life. Here is the link to the actual article that has once again lit the fire in my soul and pissed me off in a royal fashion.
Video games are training children to kill.
So I wrote that bastard an email. Here is a copy of it…

Dear Bill,

I recently read your article headlining, “Violent video games are training children to kill”. While well written and I do agree with some of the points you raise, I strongly disagree with the idea that video games are training children to kill. Video games, much like movies, are a form of escapism. People play them for entertainment, to escape from reality, to relax. I’m 23 years old and I cannot recall the last time that I played a video game to get tips on how to steal a car, or to kill someone for their belongings. Let’s be serious for a moment even; when was the last time you were able to press the triangle button on your control to break into your getaway car?

You stated a couple of points at the beginning of your article trying to stir some unrest about the ailments that video games bring to society. First, to imply that video games are a good training ground to raise your children to grow up like Gary Ridgway is among the stupidest things that I have heard. If you want your child to grow up that way, ignore them, stop nurturing them, and have them live in a terrible environment. The last time I checked, my little brother was not on track to becoming an infamous mass murderer.

Your next point goes forward telling the readers that games are teaching our kids how to “fly a plane, drive a car or fight wars.” Drive cars? Sure I’ll give you that. Fly planes? To an extent; they do let you know that hitting the ground is bad for the paint job. Mind you, even the United States Air Force uses giant arcade systems to simulate flying throughout their training procedure. And while I have mentioned the US Army, was there not a free downloadable game, America’s Army that puts players through actual basic training and then pits them against each other? Was that not developed by the same army that justifies destroying foreign countries? Is that not the same encouragement to kill? In a word, yes. This is freeware, available to one and all. To speak with numbers, the game was downloaded by more than 400 000 people in one weekend; by 400 000 faceless, ageless, internet identities.

If the neighbourhood stores cannot be trusted to check for identification when selling or renting these games to the public, society is lost. “Parents cannot trust their (neighbourhood) stores to not sell hyper-violent video games to young children”, I believe are your words. Tell me something; why are these parents letting their 12-year old children rent or purchase these games on their own? With games costing anywhere from $50-$80 (Canadian), don’t you think that it’s rather odd to have a 12-year old walking around with that kind of money? If the parents really cared enough to keep an eye on their children this simply would not happen. You wouldn’t have a child blowing their monthly allowance on a video game that mommy or daddy is going to take back. Furthermore, parents should not trust anyone with their twelve-year old save schools and baby-sitters. Can parents not take accountability anymore? If and when I have a child, I will be very aware of what they are doing.

This act of painting the video game industry with an image such as the one you give in your article is poor form. I believe that it is uninformed, desperate, and even childish. Parenting is about responsibility and care giving, and even though I am not a parent myself, this is fairly obvious. Parents have to show that responsibility; they have to be the ones that stop their kids from playing these games. ESRB is a game rating system which is in place as a recommendation for the age groups that should be playing the games in question. Parents are the key to making this work. I work at Rogers Video, a Canadian video retailer, and we have taken steps to make the ESRB rating not a recommendation, but an enforceable rating. As the bad guy behind the counter, there is only so much that I can do to stop your children from playing violent video games. I have seen at least twice as many parents renting Grand Theft Auto and Ghost Recon for their kids as I have seen a small child try to rent it on their own. This is just a little piece of evidence that parents are the root of the problem that you are trying to lay on the video game industry. I’m going to send you a comic from a website that I frequent; it is titled, “Send this to your local paper”.

As you can tell this topic is heated and there are many a gamer out there that will stand on my side. Sure we agree that some games are rather violent but the key word is game. On average, people know better than to try and emulate their favourite video game by robbing a bank or say, killing hundreds of people on a whim. If the gamer is too young to differentiate between fantasy and reality, then a parent that can do so should educate the child. Maybe taking responsibility for their children is a parenting technique of the past since video games have been introduced, but do you not think that it is the underlying problem?

Just as a closing note, do you not agree that society is desensitized enough by now to know that protecting our children from violence is important? Maybe people are blind to it. If you ever would like to discuss any of the above, feel free to write me at vince_howie@shaw.ca , I would love to hear from you.

Take care and happy gaming,

Vince Howie
Winnipeg, MB
Canada

So he wrote back, I felt kind of ripped off with his two line email but at least I know that he read it and appreciated the truth. I also argued with a customer of mine today and basically told her that she was a bad parent. Then I convinced her not to buy her 10 year old son, Manhunt. What a dumb woman.

-vintz out.
Just don't rape my mailbox.

Return of the King Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 11:38 PM by: vINtZ

Well truth be told, I haven’t done this in a while so this opinion of mine is just going to fall out of my gorgeous hands. Yes I said gorgeous to describe my hands, but I’m only quoting another person. I think she wants to sleep with me. But so do you, so don’t go thinking she’s a slut because then you’re labelling her--and yourself, where in that case you should probably let me know. So what the hell has been keeping my remotely sane without ranting about things here at Peg? Absolutely nothing. When I’m not working I play soccer, and when I’m not playing soccer, I’m honestly doing shit all. I constantly ask myself how the hell Lunchbox went through an entire year of really just not doing anything. But I do know what he meant when he said that he was always busy. Even though I’ve got nothing to do, I can’t for the life of me find time to do anything. Isn’t that a fine “how do you do”?

I’ve become well versed with Photoshop and Illustrator so if I had a picture of you on my computer, you can be sure to find it on the web somewhere having sex with a dog or an alien. Keep hoping that I’m kidding about that comment, but I really am getting quite artistic. Well I guess that I already was but now the two worlds of computer geek and art-fag have combined to create a new universe of talent and misconstrued ideas. Needless to say I’m still a big fucking loser but I’ll be damned if you’re going to rain on my parade. I have another layout idea for the old site but I think that Lunchbox will be against it. If I had it my way this site would have had more makeovers and face-lifts than Cher. I guess that a little consistency is a good thing around here. But if you wake up one morning and the site looks completely different and there is a picture of Boucher nailing some little green lady, you know what happened or arguably, what’s happenings. Ha, Word is trying to tell me that it’s poor grammar—I guess they don’t know how gay Tim really is.

So my girlfriend has disappeared into a vortex and I’m single. And she has also become a raging lesbian and lost seven of her teeth. Not to mention that she now looks like Shrek. Except uglier. But at the same time, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I’m a single guy once again and I plan to live it up, so ladies if you see me coming, do yourself a favour and walk the other way—I can only be trouble for you. I made the mistake of being a pussy about the break-up and went along with her not-so-brilliant idea of being friends-so-that-she-didn’t-feel-lonely. I’m so stupid. I dropped the gloves for, I shit you not, thirty seconds, and she punched me in the metaphorical dick. I don’t have a real dick anymore; it died from lack of use and then fell off so I’ve been toying around with this metaphorical thing. Like my new metaphorical date is my left hand after I’ve sat on it for a couple minutes; it’s not real, it’s a metaphor. You’ll notice that I’m not at all a fan of being led in the wrong direction nor am I bitter about the situation at all. And now that the world knows how much of an idiot she is, I’m totally satisfied. So who’s next?

I’m really just kidding about who the next girl is. I’m not doing the relationship thing ever again. It is bullshit and you know it. Where is the fun in having guaranteed sex whenever you want? I urge all of you men out there with hot girlfriends to dump their bitching, complaining asses. I’d like to see if I’ve got a shot with them. Thanks in advance.

You probably think that I’m pretty shallow after reading half of the tripe that I put out here. Well you’re probably right on the money and if anything, you’ve over-estimated me. I’m about as deep as a puddle three days after a rainfall. My latest strive to excel in life is snowboarding. I am so sure that this is going to get me in like flint with so many hot, little ski-bunnies. I’m not sure which angle I’m going to play. Maybe I’ll invest in a butt-load of plaster of Paris and make a fake cast one day. The girls will be all sympathetic and say, “Can I sign your cast?” and, “Do you need a blowjob?” I’m sure of it. If that doesn’t work I’ll just start barrelling down the hill completely out of control and crash into them. Then I’ll have to take them back to my cabin in the middle of nowhere. But that might be kidnapping and since I don’t have a cabin I’d get charged with breaking and entering too.

I’m finally using Office XP. It has all sorts of fun little bells and whistles in it. For nearly half of the words that I’ve been typing, it has had the decency to automatically fix my spelling mistakes. From misspelled words like, “metaphorical” to situations where something needs to be hyphenated like, say, “underage-prostitute-ring”. There are all these little symbols for carriage returns (that’s geek-talk for “when you hit the enter button) and these neat little lightning bolts which I will assume are just making my work cooler. There is this little bitch that keeps popping up on my screen when I do something more that once. Well it might be a male dog but I don’t think that I’ve used the word bitch yet today and I need to fill my bitch-quota. At any rate, this fucking dog keeps coming out of nowhere and insists on asking what I’m doing. Is this just something that the lonely little shits at Microsoft put in the program so that they didn’t feel so bad about themselves? It had better not be one of those sick little Microsoft secrets where you click somewhere and the dog starts humping everything, because I’ll be pissed off. Overall, I’m happy with the lightning bolts continually “coolifying” my document so it’s getting a minus three out of ten. Fuck you, Billy-boy; I still don’t like you.

It’s late and I clearly need some sleep and a psychiatrist perhaps. I’ll be sure to add to this little reunion that you, the reader, and I, the writer, are having. It’s going to be a wild ride as I have yet to get the tip of the iceberg here folks. I’m really going to fold the envelope and rush the limits next time. To be continued, bitches (sorry, that was for the quota).

-vintz out.
Just don't rape my mailbox.

I still know what I did last weekend: Part 2 Thursday, September 25 2003 - 12:44 PM by: Lil' Vinnie

So what the heck do you do when you've spent the last night incredibly intoxicated? I've got one simple word for you all--Pool. And I don't mean the swimming kind. Good ol' billiards. Grab some friends and head on over to a pool hall. It's fun and relaxing all at the same time. Let's continue with part two of The Ghost of Weekend Past.

Your first step is to find a pool hall that is to your atmospheric liking. Are you a university student and you want a hip atmosphere with cheap pool? Hit the University of Manitoba's, IQ's. It's got a bunch of tables, televisions, computers, coffee, and good music (mostly hip hop). The only problem is that if you venture in on a busy night, the only cues left are much like our friend, Tim. So not straight. But still okay to have around. This place is my personal favourite until I get a job. A real one. Right, Lunch?

Or maybe you're rich, and you like to dance and order a meal while you play pool. Check out the Cue Club. The prices are higher and I have no idea where kids get that kind of scratch these days (a real job maybe??), but it is really nice. Not really much to say on this place, other than straight sticks, round balls, regular priced drinks with some specials, and decent food. But you have to be rich and I almost got my ass kicked one time for beating some guy. I'm leaving out the part about calling him a f***ing faggot because it makes me sound innocent that way.

There is a place on Pembina called Rack 'n' Roll. The name is gold. If you didn't get it, you are so stupid, and I do not want you reading any more of my stuff. This place is kind of cool, but the only time that I went there it was completely empty. You can order all manner of drinks and food, and by the looks of it, Rack 'n' Roll would draw and older crowd. Maybe some cowboys because that would be cool.

The last place that I'll mention is an old favourite of mine. I say "old" because it is no longer of the favourite status. I'm not even sure that it still exists anymore or if I'm leading you into in open field where you'll be shot and forgotten about. At the forks, it used to be called Right on Que. Then it was changed to Finnigan's, or something stupid like that. Either way, once the pool halls had to impose the minimum age entry thingamajig, you had to be a dirty, old man that enjoyed eye-humping 13 year old girls while chalking your stick. Lawerence, you sick bastard... So do old Vinnie a favour and go to the forks to let me know if there is still a really nice pool hall there. Thanks. But if you go there and get shot, you deserved it so don't come crying to me about it.

Can you believe that I typed the word "thingamajig" and Microsoft Works let it go? No squiggly, red line. Let's see... What about shit-fuck? Yep, that was okay in their books too. Biz-natch. Nope, that didn't work. Biz is fine, but I guess Mr. Gates has a problem with natch. Natch, natch, natch, natch... Fuck you, Bill.

Anyway, that was my weekend. If you have a problem with that, let me know and I'll give you another problem. That's a joke... I'm five-foot-seven and a buck-fifty soaking wet with rocks in my pockets. But I'm wiry. Wiry.

-vinnie out.

By the way, feel free to drop us a line if you feel like talking, or have a comment or three. Just don't rape my mailbox.

House Party: Part One Monday, September 22 2003 - 3:38 PM by: Lil' Vinnie

Well another weekend has come to an end. Anyone have anything to show for it? I got away without a hangover and had a pretty nice weekend. This is part one of my two part mini-series, Ghost of Weekend Past.

To be completely honest, I worked Friday night until midnight but after that I was well received at a little house party. It was a light birthday get-together that went until 4:30 in the morning. This is definitely something that must be done every once in a while. I really think you are missing the beauty of it all. I should expand.

Go out to a club somewhere and think about what happens. There are too many people and half of them either want to kick your ass for looking at a girl, or the girl is liable to give you some kind of venereal disease for looking at her. I guess these are ups and downs depending on the type of sick and twisted individual you are. If some punk shows up at my gathering of people and looks at me the wrong way, my boot is up his ass and he is gone--it is that simple.

While at the club can you go up to the DJ and tell him to change the song? I think not. I do not care how many silly little girls show up to my intimate gathering, there will be NO bullshit music that they always request. And since we are speaking about the music, you will have to repeat everything you told me from the last time we were are the club. Could not hear you at all. I mean do girls really expect you to remember their names when the music is so loud you hardly hear them talk in the first place? Seriously.

The real beauty is when you too, rediscover the wonderfulness (new official word) of house party. Play some tunes, talk about stuff, and drink until you are fucking wasted. There is no bartender that will cut you off. All you have to do at the end of the night is lock the door, if you are worried about that sort of thing. Asking the hottest girl at the club to sleep with you goes from her slapping you to this...
"Hey beautiful," you say as you grab your crotch. "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"
"Fuck off, asshole," she cleverly replies.
"Get the hell out of my house, bitch. Anyone else?" Victory is yours.

Do you see the beauty here? You are master of the domain. You have complete control over the entire night. And by all means, you need not stay in all night; drink yourself silly and then go out. However if you drink and drive I hope you are severely injured in a car accident with something like a brick wall and then raped by a 450 lb woman with a 13 inch dick, you sorry son of a bitch. But have fun is all that I am saying here, folks.

All that I am really trying to tell you is that those ass holes radio "personalities" that show up to the bar are gay. I mean, it is really just that simple.

So this weekend, why not call up all your friends and have them over to your place for a bunch of drinks. Unless you secretly hate all of your friends like Boucher does, it will go off without a hitch. And maybe if enough of you take my advice, the line up at the clubs will not be so full of little shit heads, and I will be able to get in to hang out with my good buddy Jared Sereta.

-vinnie to be continued…

The Horror Saturday, September 20 2003 - 12:56 PM by: Lil' Vinnie

"...you've got to be kidding me." That was the first thing that I said as the error screen popped up on my moniter. That's what I get for using Microsoft Works to write HTML... I figured that it was a nice thing to have someone else capitalize my letters for me. Someone that wouldn't email me telling me that my sentence structure was worse than that of a grade one student. Little did I know that this false sense of security would soon be my downfall.

All that work. Gone. All of the spur of the moment witty remarks. Lost. The masterfully crafted 3-in-1 movie review complete with shameless plugs for Rogers Video. Deleted. The Fonz from Happy Days. Forgotten. Fuck you, Microsoft Works. Fuck you.

And who is the loser here? Not you, Bill. You still have what you want (not my money but that of others). Not me, Bill. If I was motivated enough to redo all that work instead of making this rant I would. It's the children, Bill. You didn't think about the children and that's what hurts me. Right thurr, Bill. It burns in the depth of my being.

Just so that you know what both you and I have been robbed of, I'll sum up what was so brutally beaten from me. I've been real lazy-like for the last couple of days and all that I've done is watch movies. And play games. Alone. I'm pathetic. I watched Bend it Like Beckham, an Indian movie that was made and release a couple years ago and is just finally making it to video on September 30th. Definitely check this one out; It's totally a feel-good flick and it isn't too gay.

I watched Swingers for the 700th time. If you haven't seen this movie, baby, do it, baby. It's so money and you don't even know it. It's so on. Get your baby, get your popcorn and get it money. It is so the money. After you watch the movie you'll even be able to translate this paragraph. Thank you Vince Vauhgn, and sorry for spelling your name wrong--Microsoft Works won't let me use it!

I also watched Identity. Just give me a moment here... This is were the whole thing happened. It was as I typed the pscitsophrenic. That's not the correct spelling by far but I was taking advantage of the situation and figured that the spell check would catch it. Was I so far off that the program died? Did I do this? Have I played with a power so strong that it led me away from the responsibility that I held along with it? I'm sorry Uncle Ben. I miss you and it's all my fault... Identity ruled. And Amanda Peet is such money. The movie is mysterious, suspensful, and a little bit of scary.

But I gotta go. Soccer. Need to sober up.
-vinnie out.

NFL PREDICTIONS – NFC Monday, September 15 2003 - 12:00 PM by: Boucher

EAST

1. NY Giants – The Giants offense starting rolling last year when Coach Jim Fassel took over the offense. They return all key starters from last year, so the offense should pick up where it left off. There are concerns in the offensive line though. DE Michael Strahan is back to lead the defense. (11-5)

2. Philadelphia – They keep losing free agents and they keep getting better, however I think the defectors will hurt them a little this year. DE Hugh Douglas and OLB Shawn Barber were key parts of the defense. RB Duce Staley held out of camp, so he could be very rusty to start the year, which could create a ripple effect for QB Donovan Mcnabb. (10-6)

2. Washington – Redskins used the free agent period in loot the New York Jets of half their team, signing WR Laveranues Coles, and OG Randy Thomas. They traded for RB Trung Canidate, who could help if he gets over his fumbling problems. This is a team on the rise, but could surprise if QB Patrick Ramsey plays really well. (7-9)

4. Dallas – The defense will keep this team in a lot of games. The secondary is a huge strength. However the Cowboys have big problems at two key positions. They don’t know if QB Quincy Carter or QB Chad Hutchington will start, and neither is very good to begin with, and can RB Troy Hambrick produce over the full year. (5-11)

NORTH

1. Green Bay – The best team in a very weak division. The offense has to produce for the Packers because the Defense could be weak. RB Ahman Green was banged up all year, and has to stay healthy. WR Donald Driver came out of nowhere last year, and needs to repeat last year’s performance. But the Packers will win the division because of QB Brett Favre. (9-7)

2. Minnesota – Vikings ended the year 3-0 last year, and look to continue the streak this year. Losing RB Michael Bennett for the year will hurt the offense, but QB Dante Culpepper and WR Randy Moss are a great duo. Defense improved over the offseason adding CB Denard Walker, and OLB Chris Claiborne, but it’s not enough to win the division. (8-8)

3. Chicago – Which Bears will show up, the 13-3 team from 2001, or last year’s 4-12 squad. The Bears are closer to last year’s squad than the 2001 edition. RB Anthony Thomas has to return to form, to help out free agent QB Kordell Stewart. The defense lost some key parts, but still has ILB Brian Urlacher and FS Mike Brown. (6-10)

4. Detroit – WR Charles Rogers will help out QB Joey Harrington who struggled last year without a go to receiver. RB James Stewart is out for the season, and the Lions are backing on Olandis Gary returning to his 1999 form. The defense is pretty weak, and no new additions were made to improve this unit. (4-12)

SOUTH

1. Tampa Bay – This team is pretty good. They only lose FS Dexter Jackson from last year’s super bowl squad. The defense is awesome, and won’t lose a step. The offense actually got better in the offseason, added some new offensive linemen. The only thing that can hurt this team is a super bowl champion hangover (12-4)

2. Atlanta – QB Mike Vick is out from the first 6 weeks of the season, but this is a really good football team, that should hold on until he gets back. RB’s Warrick Dunn and T.J Duckett form a good dup, and new WR Peerless Price will help out. The defense was great last year being top 5 in sacks, and turnovers. (10-6)

3. Carolina – The #2 defense from a year ago returns with no defectors. DE Julius Peppers was a monster and will lead in sacks for years to come. DE Michael Rucker is a force on the other side. Panthers signed RB Stephen Davis to improve last year’s running attack. Davis should help out QB’s Rodney Peete, and Jake Delhomme whichever wins the job. This team could be a sleeper to watch for. (9-7)

4. New Orleans – Put the Saints in any other division, and they could win it. The offense is loaded with QB Aaron Brooks, RB Deuce McAllister, and WR Joe Horn. McAllister has had injury problems in the past, and needs to stay healthy. The defense is very young which will be a problem for the Saints. (6-10)

WEST

1. St. Louis – This is based on QB Kurt Warner, and RB Marshall Faulk returning to form. They added OT Kyle Turley, which will help protect Warner, and open holes for Faulk. WR Torry Holt, and Isaac Bruce are still there to keep defenses honest. CB Arenas Williams needs to stay healthy to help the defense. (10-6)

2. Seattle – The Seahawks were on fire to end the year. QB Matt Hasselback averaged over 300 yards in the last 6 games. RB Shaun Alexander keeps the defense honest for WR’s Koren Robinson, and Darrell Jackson. They added DT Norman Hand, and ILB Randall Godfrey to help last year’s 30th ranked run defense. (9-7)

3. San Francisco – QB Jeff Garcia had a back problem in the preseason, and it could affect him the whole year. WR Terrell Owens is a free agent after the season, and that could be a distraction to the team all year. RB’s Garrison Hearst and Kevin Barlow are a solid running attack. The defense lost some key parts from the defensive line, but ILB Darren Smith is back after a season-ended injury last year. (7-9)

4. Arizona – Cardinals should have the first pick in next year’s draft. They lost QB Jake Plummer, and their top 3 receivers all to free agency. They added RB Emmitt Smith, but it’s not 1993. Defense is better than last year, but still has no push rush, which will really hurt their secondary, which already lost CB Duane Starks for the season. (3-13)

Wild Card Round: St. Louis over Atlanta, Philly over Green Bay

NFC Semi’s: Tampa Bay over Philly, St. Louis over NY Giants

NFC Finals: Tampa Bay over St. Louis

NFL PREDICTIONS – AFC Monday, September 1 2003 - 9:58 PM by: Boucher

EAST

1. New England – Defense is improved with the additions of DT Ted Washington, and OLB Rosie Colvin. RB Antowain Smith needs to rebound after last year, and WR Troy Brown needs to stay healthy to help QB Tom Brady. (11-5)

2. Miami – Team will make playoffs if QB Jay Fielder stays healthy. They say a good running attack, and defense wins defense, and Miami is awesome in both areas. Receivers don’t scare anyone however. (10-6)

3. Buffalo – WR Josh Reed has to step up to replace WR Peerless Price. OB Drew Bledsoe, and WR Eric Moulds are still a deadly duo. OLB Takeo Spikes, OLB Jeff Posey, and DT Sam Adams will improve the defense, but I think this team is a still a year away. (9-7)

4. NY Jets – The loss of QB Chad Pennington for 10-12 weeks really hurts this team. RB Curtis Martin has to carry this team on his back. WR Curtis Conway has to stay healthy to replace WR Laveranues Coles. The defense is pretty good, and could steal a couple games. (5-11)

NORTH

1. Pittsburgh – Team could be hurt if OLB Joey Porter is out a long amount of time due to being shot. Defense shouldn’t suffer greatly if ILB Kendrell Bell plays all 16 games. RB Amos Zereroue needs a good season, so teams don’t get after QB Tommy Maddox. Maddox has great weapons in WR’s Plexico Burress, and Hines Ward.

2. Baltimore – Defense has to carry this team, and likely will do a solid job. ILB Ray Lewis will return, and DE Terrell Suggs will get the QB. Rookie QB Kyle Boller is in a tough spot, and needs RB Jamal Lewis to repeat last year’s season to have a shot at the playoffs.

3. Cleveland – This team will be fun to watch, there games will likely all be in the 30’s. QB Kelly Holcomb gets his chance. They have a deep receiving core, and if RB William Green has a year like last season’s second half, they could make up for a awful defense. (7-9)

4. Cincinnati – Coach Marvin Lewis has them on the right track, but is a couple years away from going for a playoff spot. RB Corey Dillon is solid, but seems unhappy that Cincinnati has decided to go to the air more this season with WR Chad Johnson. Defense needs more playmakers. (5-11)

SOUTH

1. Indianapolis – With a Healthy Edgerrin James, is they year the triplets make their return??. Payton Manning is solid, but has to prove he can win the big one. Defense has a year under Tony Dungy’s defense and should improve enough to help the offense. (11-5)

2. Tennessee – QB Steve McNair should have been MVP last year, he was awesome. RB Eddie George needs a big year. DE Jevon Kearse needs to stay healthy because the defense really lacks depth, and could suffer after releasing ILB Randall Godfrey. (10-6)

3. Jacksonville – This team needs to rebuild, and start it fast. QB Mark Brunell is a lameduck QB, now that QB Bryon Leftwich is in town. RB Fred Taylor has been hurt all preseason, which isn’t good. WR Jimmy Smith will miss the first 4 games due to a suspension. The defense added DE Hugh Douglas, which will help. (6-10)

4. Houston – The Texans should be more competitive, but it won’t show in the win department. The offensive line is weak and can’t protect QB David Carr. They need a elite RB, but Stacey Mack will help. The defense is solid, but needs a better rush from their OLB’s in the 3-4 defense. (4-12)

WEST

1. Oakland – The Raiders are looking for revenge after getting kicked in the Super Bowl. This team isn’t as old as every one thinks (Joey Porter, Doug Jolley, Napoleon Harris) will have good seasons. CB Charles Woodsen will need to stay healthy and QB Rich Gannon needs to repeat last year’s performance. (11-5)

2. Kansas City – RB Preist Holmes needs to prove his hip isn’t going to be a problem. QB Trent Green needs to repeat last year’s stats, and a WR has to emerge to help out. Defense added DE Vonnie Holliday, and OLB Shawn Barber, but still need more to help out last year’s worst defense. (9-7)

3. Denver – Brian Griese is out and QB Jake Plummer is in to try and get the Broncos back to the playoffs. The defense has some question marks especially in the secondary, and will RB Clinton Portis have the same year, now that defenses will be keying on him (8-8)

4. San Diego – Chargers added WR David Boston and he should help the offense. QB Drew Brees needs to show improvement. RB Ladainian Tomlinson is the real deal, and has a shot at 2000 yards. The defense is weak, and secondary is very young which will hurt. If they stay around .500 for the first half, they could make some noise in the second half. (6-10)

Wild Card Round: Miami over New England, Pittsburgh over Tennessee.

AFC Semi’s: Oakland over Miami, Indianapolis over Pittsburgh.

Stealth Like Burning Monday, June 2 2003 - 12:01 PM by: Lil' Vinnie

So I saw it… and then it was gone as if it didn’t exist. Did I just see a mullet? We all know of the “Stealth Mullet” but this was waaayyy under the radar. He was well dressed, a pair of jeans, and a normal top. At first all that I saw was a side profile and he looked like a business man. We all know that the business type dare not bring a mullet to work. So what the hell was this??

Think to any sci-fi movie sequel where the human race is surprised and frightened at the discovery of a new species of the creature from the first movie. My feelings echoed these. I had never seen the party in the back disguised this well. He honestly looked like he was all about business. He even had a very attractive lady with him. The thought of exploiting this mullet and convincing her to join us instead had crossed my mind (My girlfriend is the greatest person in the world and I love her unconditionally). It was almost a glorified rat tail (which isn’t so hot on its own either) but on a closer inspection--mullet. Two very distinct hair lengths. No blending.

His hair was combed so neatly and there wasn’t any noticeable grease or Jerri-Curl going on. The “piece de resistance” was when I noticed that his party was tied back. The cleanest mullet ever. My thoughts betrayed me, and I didn’t know whether to scream out, “Mullet!!” as I normally would, or to keep it to myself. I tried to scream but the sheer terror that had struck my heart froze my voice. I am thinking that this (posting it for the world to see) would be the safest and most discreet way to warn everyone.

So now you know. The mullet is back and it has found new ways to slip onto the streets. And this time it isn’t just on the streets but possibly in an office. Make sure that your kids are aware of this sort of thing, because there is nothing worse than a little kid encouraged to grow a mullet. Well maybe a little child looking to join the NRA and become involved in crack and such… but people these are mullets. Let’s be careful out there and make sure that we are getting some sort of uniform hair cut with length blending and no, I repeat, NO hidden parties in the back.

What the hell kind of dark force is going on here?!?!? Wednesday, May 28 2003 - 3:07 AM by: Lil' Vinnie

Or maybe it’s the longest running practical joke in the world. Some group of women out there said to themselves, “Let’s blow the minds of say, 500 billion people, and start dating totally unattractive people.” Yep, there’s a great idea. Why don’t we try to sell fake gold and then get screwed as it becomes too successful (Bre-X). Or lip-synch to a multi-platinum hit and pray we don’t get too much publicity and then get found as frauds (Milli Vanilli). This list of bad ideas can go on.

And this madness does not cease nor desist. It continues on with nice girls dating ass holes. Really big ass holes. Don’t get me wrong, I love to be treated like shit as much as the next guy, but--wait a second. Anyone else catch something out of place with that one? But this does not bother me as much because we can always hope that if she is hot enough, he’ll pressure her into making some kind of home made porn. Then show us. Then he wouldn’t be such a bad guy after all. Why didn’t I think of this before.

But back to my point. Has the old saying about skin-deep beauty been finally adopted? Should I be gaining weight and losing my 14 year-old girlish figure? Should I chew razor blades? I just don’t know anymore. As long as my girlfriend doesn’t leave me for a butterball turkey I guess I should keep counting my blessings. God knows we’ve broken up enough already (I love you, Sweetheart).

Needless to say, HUGE props go out to these men. You all should publish a book on your sly ways. But I swear, if you end up saying that it’s the money…

So all I have to do is add tomato sauce? Wednesday, May 28 2003 - 11:54 AM by: Lil' Vinnie

We walked into McDonald’s a while back (don’t ask me why I eat that tripe) and they have this taste of the month. The Italian McChicken burger. I figure that I can’t lose; everything Italian is good. Hold the phone, the Pope is on line 7. I was in for a bit of a surprise…

I get this burger, hoping that it will have a little taste of home along with it. This would be a little more accurate if I lived in a fu**in’ dumpster. Apparently all you have to do these days is add a little tomato sauce (be it ketchup if that’s all you have), a chunk of mozza, and BAM! You’ve got Italy! Please… Please…

Even the infamous Olive Garden has betrayed one of the best cuisines in the world. Sure the salad and breadsticks are great, but you’d better get your fill, because the rest is for the birds. Chicken Parmigiani cannot be a piece of chicken out of the box (too dry might I add) with a spoonful of Ragu and a slice of mozzarella. Where the hell did the parm go?! It’s in the name of the dish, for god’s sake… And just so that the ladies are aware, I’m a pretty hell damn ass good cook myself (and I love you, Sweetheart).

A small word to all of the restaurant owners out there that serve an Italian section on the menu. Go out one night for dinner. Hey, bring the old lady and make it a date if you feel sassy enough. All that you should have to do is taste something from a real Italian restaurant. And take notes. Try Martini’s. It is this little place on Sargent, the food is incredible, the price is just right and you cannot leave hungry. They feed you the way that your Nonna would (for anyone wondering, that‘s a grandmother and as god is in heaven there is more food on your plate).

Anyway, that’s all that I can stomach (no pun intended) for the time being. Actually, there was a pun intended back there. And a darn good one at that. I’m going to go and eat an oatmeal cookie with some ketchup and mozzarella. Maybe I should call up the Olive Garden and let them in on this one…