Once upon a time there was an ugly little boy named Jarred. He cried and cried because his face was about as attractive as David’s left foot. For all who have seen David’s left foot…that is not very attractive. It smelled about the same, too. So Jarred went and ran away to Acapulco. All the Acapulcan natives laughed at him. They thought he was a mutant…and of course, he was. So he decided to jump off one of those huge cliffs that people in Acapulco are always jumping off of. The problem was, it wasn’t one of those nifty ones that involve lots of crystal-blue water and pointy rocks that no one but the experts narrowly miss. No, this was a cliff that led down to a concrete parking lot, full of vintage Volkswagens. Jarred jumped. His face got smashed. Jarred was happy, because now he was so disfigured, no one could see how ugly he used to be. The doctor said, “Jarred, I am giving you a new face.” Jarred said, “Oh, goody!” The doctor held up pictures of different faces Jarred could choose from. Jarred liked the one of Chuck Norris, because he was rugged and sexy. “Chuck Norris, eh?” said the doctor slowly. “That’s one of our most-chosen choices, and I must warn you, it’s a very risky surgery.” “I’ll do anything!” said Jarred with gusto, attempting to seduce the doctor into giving him the plastic surgery by standing on the examining table and ripping off his blood-stained shirt. The doctor gave him a shot of tranquilizers to shut him up. The surgery was scheduled for the next day. Jarred had never been so eager and excited. He went and ran around the block 57 times to use up some of his pent-up energy. The next morning, he was so tired that he had to get his pimp friend, Zak, to drive him to the hospital. Even the three girls in the backseat of the limo failed to spark his interest. When they arrived at the hospital, Jarred was carried in by the three girls (Kelli, Jenni, and Salli-Ann) who laid him on the operating table. Jarred slept through the whole thing. He didn’t need any anesthetic. He didn’t even flinch when the doctor accidentally sawed off what was left of his nose. Thus, he didn’t even notice all the doctors’ screams of anger, or when they got in a fight and started flinging scalpels and syringes at each other. Finally, Jarred woke up in the recovery room. He felt like a new man, or at least, his face did. It was a while until he could take the heavy bandages off his face, the nurses told him. There were bandages over his eyes as well, so he didn’t notice their anxious expressions and furtive glances. At last the day came when the doctor came to remove the bandages. He sat down in a chair. “Jarred,” he said, “We made a mistake.” “Oh, that’s okay,” said Jarred. “As long as I still look rugged and sexy.” “Well….” the doctor said. Jarred sat up. “Do I still look like a MAN?” The doctor hesitated. “Well, you see, Jarred…what we didn’t know was that there is actually more than one Chuck Norris in the world. Besides the insane roundhouse-kicker we all know and love, there’s also a person in Tibet whose name is Chuucc Noorissis. It turns out one of our interns is a really bad speller, so that name got entered into our Face-Fixer computer instead.” “Well, anything can be better than what I looked like before,” Jarred said. “Okay…” said the doctor. So off the bandages came. Jarred was twitching with excitement. The doctor ran away, but Jarred didn’t notice. He walked over to the mirror and looked in. Then he screamed like he had never screamed before.

The doctors had given him the face of a woman.